So yesterday we had an interesting conversation in Sunday School about judgment. While we ended up talking about whether or not it is "okay" to judge others, this was not the topic I found myself drawn towards. Instead, I was thinking about an earlier inquiry we as a class were making into why people do not pursue some of the more creative and bold ideas they have in their lives. My suggestion was that it was because other people, and especially those we are close to, provide a prohibitive function towards truly creative living through the judgments they make. It's just too mentally taxing for a person to try and live creatively without the knowledge that the people in their life are going to be providing unfaltering encouragement.
Perhaps the reason we are so amazed as a culture when someone does something unique is that it seems like they had to do it on their own. When someone lives in intentional poverty their entire life to demonstrate solidarity with the poor, we can't believe it and think they must be special, but the truth is it takes community, which is the antithesis of judgment.
I have never known anyone who has improved their lives, accomplished a goal, or really done anything that was the direct result of having judgment in their lives. Constructive criticism? Yes, but that is different. Having people who are not afraid to talk to you and let you know that what you are doing is not getting you where you want to go is different than judgment. We all lose when we judge, because we inevitably think of others as lesser than rather than seeing them as people of value just like ourselves.
We say that judgment is unavoidable. It's not entirely true. The feeling of disapproval is unavoidable, but there is a difference between thought and action. One of the great things about being human is that we have been gifted with he incredible tool of reason, and should be expected to use it less to prove how right we are and more as a partner to our own hearts. When we allow a feeling to control us without our brain checking in to tell us "is this necessary, is this loving, is this who I want to be" we usually lose out. We lose out because we don't take the time to step back and be intentional about our lives. I love the word intention, because it suggests I am not a slave to whims and whimsies, but can elect to take actions that will move me towards maturity and grace or not.
The problem is that this takes practice. It takes a lot of practice, and I am learning everyday. The last year has been the best teacher I've ever had in terms of showing just what I'm capable of for both good or ill, but I'm learning, and it is a source of comfort.
Here's the thing about judgment. It doesn't just hurt the person we judge, but it shuts us off and in turn hurts us too. To judge is to be certain, and that is something we can never be as humans. We like to be certain about everything. Money, jobs, relationships, our fantasy baseball team, anything. This however, is a fallacy. Just because we label something with a term of certainty doesn't mean it is set in stone, and we have to learn to live in that tension. We have to accept that that money, that dream job, that person, that bacon cheeseburger might not be there like we think it will. In the end, you control nothing outside yourself, and even that is a chore. Its tough to accept, but it is freeing. Knowing you can care about people without believing they should respond this way or that takes the pressure off. Knowing you can only do what you can do in one day makes a job ten times less stressful. Knowing you don't control the outcome of every college football game means you can be a fan without becoming a nut job.
Knowing that your judgment will not change the course of some one's life means you can become a friend instead of turner-away. Now, the hard part is actually doing it, and I'm a hypocrite just like everyone else here, but I'm trying my best.
"Put others' rights before your own feelings, and others' feelings before your own rights" - Coach John Robert Wooden.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Depression and the Art of Relationship Semi-Maintenance
This is the hard topic. The one I think about writing about all the time, but always have trouble with. Even for someone with a history of opening wide with my emotions, talking about love not easy. I'm a guy, for crying out loud. We want to screw and screw again. Women are something to be conquered, right? It's a game to be played, and if you do it just right, you'll get what you want. uhmm, no.
The other thing that's hard about talking about relationships is that you don't want to give away the dirty laundry of past loves'. So I'll try to talk sbout my relationship style, that of a guy who has struggled with depression, without actually talking about my relationships.
One of the longest running rivers along the landscape of my own experience with depression has been my history with the opposite sex. The hardest thing for me is feeling like I'm going never going to be a stereotypical guy. I'll never be an emotional island, quite the opposite in fact. I can be quite the girl in relationships, as I'm told, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing except it usually leaves the part of the masculine partner unfilled in the "ideal relationship," which of course does not exist.
Here's the problem kids. My greatest strength in relationship is directly tied to my absolute worst weakness. I don't feel things without feeling deeply, which can be really awesome for connecting on a powerful emotional level. I've had girls wanting to spend their whole lives with me after a couple of months, an admission usually followed up by "I'm so glad you're not like other guys." Unfortunately, we can fastforward to a place where that same statement changes to "Why can't you just be like other guys." You see, what the wonderful women I've been involved with fail to plan for is that for every way a person is not typical in a good way, there is usually an accompanying downside. The biggest problem in my relationships with women has always seemed to be this. Early on in a relationship, many of my partners have fallen rather hard for me at some point, which of course signals to me that it is safe to get attached now. At this juncture in a relationship I've probably abandoned logic to take one more shot at something crazy special, and it is amazing for a while. I've been that couple that made other people sick at the level of lovey-doveyness involved.
But here's where depression will get you. The first time you hit any rough patch, that old monster comes a calling to remind you that you probably don't deserve the person you're with, at which point you (I.E."I") start to panic. What if they figure out they're dating a guy with serious issues. Self-sabotage time. My weapon of choice in a relationship is jealousy. See, when you have esteem issues, you're always afraid your partner is going to trade up on you for a better model. The irony here is (and guys, you should take notes, because this is a sure fire technique for screwing up a relationship) that by being jealous of every guy/friend your lady friend spends time with or gives attention to, you can eventually ensure that they will in fact, start thinking about finding someone else.
Now this isn't to say I'm totally to blame for every relationship I've had that ended badly. After all, that would fall into the category of faulty depression logic (i.e. I am the cause of everything in my world, therefore I am both totally egocentric and awful at everything) To be sure, I've had plenty of help in blowing up what looked like a promising relationship.
But the very nature of this disease, and definitely in my case, is that you have a really hard time trusting yourself to be successful with people, and when you are, you tend to think it has nothing to do with you. On the flip side, when things go badly with other people, you tend to think it has everything to do with you. So you're left not trusting yourself with other people, and especially not in intimate relationships. You're sure you will find a way to mess things up, and it infects everything, including your trust for the other person.
Now all that said, I've made a lot of progress in this area, or at least I think I have. I guess I won't know until I'm in another relationship. But the point is that there is hope for the North American Depressive Male on the prowl. Just like in anything, you should play to your strengths, which center around your ability to connect deeply on an emotional level.
The thing I want to keep pointing out about depression is that, while it can be a difficult disease, it tends to come with a array of gifts. For everything thing depression has taken away, it's given something back. Do I have times when I lack any self esteem. Sure. But I get back an uncanny knack for empathizing with other people when they're hurting. Have I ever been that guy who thought he was the biggest loser in the world. Absolutely. But I've also never been the guy who thinks he's better than everyone else and treats everyone like shit.
Anyway, long post, but I keep getting subtle encouragement to keep sharing. The main point here is that relationships are weird critters to begin with, and depression brings a whole 'nother ball of wax into the mix. It's not a death sentence, but it is something that both partners have to be aware of, and as the depressed party, you owe it to yourself and your special someone to tell them what they're getting into whenever things get serious. The truth is that if it's right, you'll both be mature enough to work together through it, and if you're not, it ain't meant to be. Now if I can only remember that all the time....
Later Gators.
The other thing that's hard about talking about relationships is that you don't want to give away the dirty laundry of past loves'. So I'll try to talk sbout my relationship style, that of a guy who has struggled with depression, without actually talking about my relationships.
One of the longest running rivers along the landscape of my own experience with depression has been my history with the opposite sex. The hardest thing for me is feeling like I'm going never going to be a stereotypical guy. I'll never be an emotional island, quite the opposite in fact. I can be quite the girl in relationships, as I'm told, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing except it usually leaves the part of the masculine partner unfilled in the "ideal relationship," which of course does not exist.
Here's the problem kids. My greatest strength in relationship is directly tied to my absolute worst weakness. I don't feel things without feeling deeply, which can be really awesome for connecting on a powerful emotional level. I've had girls wanting to spend their whole lives with me after a couple of months, an admission usually followed up by "I'm so glad you're not like other guys." Unfortunately, we can fastforward to a place where that same statement changes to "Why can't you just be like other guys." You see, what the wonderful women I've been involved with fail to plan for is that for every way a person is not typical in a good way, there is usually an accompanying downside. The biggest problem in my relationships with women has always seemed to be this. Early on in a relationship, many of my partners have fallen rather hard for me at some point, which of course signals to me that it is safe to get attached now. At this juncture in a relationship I've probably abandoned logic to take one more shot at something crazy special, and it is amazing for a while. I've been that couple that made other people sick at the level of lovey-doveyness involved.
But here's where depression will get you. The first time you hit any rough patch, that old monster comes a calling to remind you that you probably don't deserve the person you're with, at which point you (I.E."I") start to panic. What if they figure out they're dating a guy with serious issues. Self-sabotage time. My weapon of choice in a relationship is jealousy. See, when you have esteem issues, you're always afraid your partner is going to trade up on you for a better model. The irony here is (and guys, you should take notes, because this is a sure fire technique for screwing up a relationship) that by being jealous of every guy/friend your lady friend spends time with or gives attention to, you can eventually ensure that they will in fact, start thinking about finding someone else.
Now this isn't to say I'm totally to blame for every relationship I've had that ended badly. After all, that would fall into the category of faulty depression logic (i.e. I am the cause of everything in my world, therefore I am both totally egocentric and awful at everything) To be sure, I've had plenty of help in blowing up what looked like a promising relationship.
But the very nature of this disease, and definitely in my case, is that you have a really hard time trusting yourself to be successful with people, and when you are, you tend to think it has nothing to do with you. On the flip side, when things go badly with other people, you tend to think it has everything to do with you. So you're left not trusting yourself with other people, and especially not in intimate relationships. You're sure you will find a way to mess things up, and it infects everything, including your trust for the other person.
Now all that said, I've made a lot of progress in this area, or at least I think I have. I guess I won't know until I'm in another relationship. But the point is that there is hope for the North American Depressive Male on the prowl. Just like in anything, you should play to your strengths, which center around your ability to connect deeply on an emotional level.
The thing I want to keep pointing out about depression is that, while it can be a difficult disease, it tends to come with a array of gifts. For everything thing depression has taken away, it's given something back. Do I have times when I lack any self esteem. Sure. But I get back an uncanny knack for empathizing with other people when they're hurting. Have I ever been that guy who thought he was the biggest loser in the world. Absolutely. But I've also never been the guy who thinks he's better than everyone else and treats everyone like shit.
Anyway, long post, but I keep getting subtle encouragement to keep sharing. The main point here is that relationships are weird critters to begin with, and depression brings a whole 'nother ball of wax into the mix. It's not a death sentence, but it is something that both partners have to be aware of, and as the depressed party, you owe it to yourself and your special someone to tell them what they're getting into whenever things get serious. The truth is that if it's right, you'll both be mature enough to work together through it, and if you're not, it ain't meant to be. Now if I can only remember that all the time....
Later Gators.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Whatta Year...
As I look back on the past year, it's amazing how different my life is than how I expected it to me. I won't go into details out of respect for the wishes of the involved parties, but about this time last year, if I have my dates right, was one of the absolute dark pits of my life. I was sure I would never make a comeback. Those of you who know me well probably got sick of my sob stories and self-depreciating, so I want to tell you just how much I love, appreciate, and remember your support and encouragement. My friends mean the world to me, you really do, and I hope at some point in my life to repay you for everything you guys have given me. There, sappy part over.
I've heard it said that real growth comes out of adversity, and I would say now that this is true. I don't think I understood real humility until this past year. I never knew what it was like to feel truly, indefensibly wrong, and it damn near broke me in half. I'm sure there will always be some wonder in my mind as to what could have/should have gone differently, but at the same time, I think I really began to understand what it is to be gracious towards other people in the past year. People define themselves enough by their shortcomings, without me helping them see just how short they are. Nothing hurt by ability to grow as a person as much as being told how big or obvious my faults were, but what did help was the steady, stern encouragement of my friends and most of all my mother and brother. These two magnificent people have never failed to see the best in me and remind me of it. We need those voices in our lives.Okay, so the sappy part probably won't ever end.
As of now, I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be. I thought by 26 I would be married, looking to settle down, and focusing on starting a family. Instead, I'm single, working on yet another big degree, and definitely not even thinking of a family. And the weird part is that I'm okay with that. I love what I do. Sociology is an incredible field, full of insightful perspectives and real geniuses who I am so fortunate to spend time around. I feel like what I study makes a difference, not just career wise but in terms of the ideas I get the chance to spread to other people. Like Dr. Borch says, I'm starting to become an "Evangelical Sociologist."
The friends I've made in the past year are awesome. The Rojo crowd kicks ass, just so you know. It's always a blast and a half to laugh, talk, and wiffle with you guys on Wednesdays and Sundays, and all the in between. Limbo has been good, although i'm still a newbie and thus unqualified to make a reasonable promotion.
Anyway, this rambling has been particularly rambling. Guess I just wanted to say that I'm grateful for the folks I know, and the best is yet to come.
Peace Out, Yo.
I've heard it said that real growth comes out of adversity, and I would say now that this is true. I don't think I understood real humility until this past year. I never knew what it was like to feel truly, indefensibly wrong, and it damn near broke me in half. I'm sure there will always be some wonder in my mind as to what could have/should have gone differently, but at the same time, I think I really began to understand what it is to be gracious towards other people in the past year. People define themselves enough by their shortcomings, without me helping them see just how short they are. Nothing hurt by ability to grow as a person as much as being told how big or obvious my faults were, but what did help was the steady, stern encouragement of my friends and most of all my mother and brother. These two magnificent people have never failed to see the best in me and remind me of it. We need those voices in our lives.Okay, so the sappy part probably won't ever end.
As of now, I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be. I thought by 26 I would be married, looking to settle down, and focusing on starting a family. Instead, I'm single, working on yet another big degree, and definitely not even thinking of a family. And the weird part is that I'm okay with that. I love what I do. Sociology is an incredible field, full of insightful perspectives and real geniuses who I am so fortunate to spend time around. I feel like what I study makes a difference, not just career wise but in terms of the ideas I get the chance to spread to other people. Like Dr. Borch says, I'm starting to become an "Evangelical Sociologist."
The friends I've made in the past year are awesome. The Rojo crowd kicks ass, just so you know. It's always a blast and a half to laugh, talk, and wiffle with you guys on Wednesdays and Sundays, and all the in between. Limbo has been good, although i'm still a newbie and thus unqualified to make a reasonable promotion.
Anyway, this rambling has been particularly rambling. Guess I just wanted to say that I'm grateful for the folks I know, and the best is yet to come.
Peace Out, Yo.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The Late Night post- Regarding things that really matter
"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me"- Matthew 25:40
"For the poor will never cease to be in the land; therefore I command you, saying, 'You shall freely open your hand to your brother, to your needy and poor in your land"- Deuteronomy 15:11
Tonight I got into an argument. It became emotional. I was upset at the end of it and for the first time in months, I actually knelt down in front of my car and prayed to God that I had represented him well in the things I had said.
The other participant in this argument believed that the homeless people living in Northside were a nuisance to his business, and therefore the Church of the Reconciler, which serves the poor in this area, was also a nuisance. He believed the Church needed to relocate so that the homeless would no longer be in his place of business. He believed this was necessary for his "customers" to feel secure buying from him, but this customer shall not ever be participating in his business. My belief, as a Christian, is that we can never consider our own rights more important than those of the disadvantaged. The fact of the matter, at least in my own life, is that I could easily be on the street if not for people who intervened at exactly the right time. The fact that they have nothing should have no relevance to how I treat their right to exist in the same space as me.
I can understand non-Christians disagreeing with the presence of the poor in their everyday life, but there is no topic which Jesus addressed more in his ministry. He made it clear that the privileged class in his eyes were those who had nothing, so who am I to deny this.
I am afraid I alienated someone tonight from wanting to further their relationship with me, but the truth is that, if there is anything compelling about Jesus, it is his unwillingness to bow down before the powers of money and its authority. There is no moral superiority that comes with being financially fortunate, and we would all do well to remember that. Instead of bitching about taxes, perhaps we should ask ourselves who our neighbors are, and what we can do for them. I don't know why I got so emotional tonight, but perhaps it was because I remembered who I looked up to, and who he stood up for. I haven't been there for the poor in the past year, but tonight reminded me that there is real hate being directed towards them, and they need solidarity. God bless the homeless of Birmingham. I hope they will always be welcomed and accepted by those who call Christ their leader. I'm not a stuck up Jesus freak by any means, but if there is anything that has ever drawn me towards him, it is his fearlessness in sticking up for the voiceless. May we all do the same, regardless of faith.
"For the poor will never cease to be in the land; therefore I command you, saying, 'You shall freely open your hand to your brother, to your needy and poor in your land"- Deuteronomy 15:11
Tonight I got into an argument. It became emotional. I was upset at the end of it and for the first time in months, I actually knelt down in front of my car and prayed to God that I had represented him well in the things I had said.
The other participant in this argument believed that the homeless people living in Northside were a nuisance to his business, and therefore the Church of the Reconciler, which serves the poor in this area, was also a nuisance. He believed the Church needed to relocate so that the homeless would no longer be in his place of business. He believed this was necessary for his "customers" to feel secure buying from him, but this customer shall not ever be participating in his business. My belief, as a Christian, is that we can never consider our own rights more important than those of the disadvantaged. The fact of the matter, at least in my own life, is that I could easily be on the street if not for people who intervened at exactly the right time. The fact that they have nothing should have no relevance to how I treat their right to exist in the same space as me.
I can understand non-Christians disagreeing with the presence of the poor in their everyday life, but there is no topic which Jesus addressed more in his ministry. He made it clear that the privileged class in his eyes were those who had nothing, so who am I to deny this.
I am afraid I alienated someone tonight from wanting to further their relationship with me, but the truth is that, if there is anything compelling about Jesus, it is his unwillingness to bow down before the powers of money and its authority. There is no moral superiority that comes with being financially fortunate, and we would all do well to remember that. Instead of bitching about taxes, perhaps we should ask ourselves who our neighbors are, and what we can do for them. I don't know why I got so emotional tonight, but perhaps it was because I remembered who I looked up to, and who he stood up for. I haven't been there for the poor in the past year, but tonight reminded me that there is real hate being directed towards them, and they need solidarity. God bless the homeless of Birmingham. I hope they will always be welcomed and accepted by those who call Christ their leader. I'm not a stuck up Jesus freak by any means, but if there is anything that has ever drawn me towards him, it is his fearlessness in sticking up for the voiceless. May we all do the same, regardless of faith.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Inception - a stream of thoughts
Before I start with this, I'lll go ahead and warn anyone who decides to read this that SPOILERS ABOUND!!! Anyway, now that that awful little piece of business is taken care of, on with the show.
I saw Inception last night, and I think it's the first time in a while I've been to a movie and not been able to get my thoughts together enough to talk about it afterwards. But, I've had some processing time and here's what I think, for whosoever may care.
At its core, Inception deals with one of the pre-eminent postmodern dilemnas that we face as a culture right now. The idea of being unsure how much of our reality is real or constructed is of great interest to thinking minds around the world, but Inception deals with it beautifully. The target of Cobb's inception, Fischer, seems to have a fractured idea of his father in the "real" world, but within the dreamscapes fabricated by Cobb and his team, finds some real purpose. There is some conflict here. The entire journey Fischer goes through is premeditated by others and thus not really a product of his own will, yet in his own mind, Fischer believes he has made a real discovery for himself regarding his relationship with his father and his own purpose in life.
This makes me a bit uncomfortable. The idea that a dramatic awakening of self could be the product of another entity's designs on my actions is frightening to say the least, yet the character I left the movie feeling most resolved about is Fischer. The guy gets duped into breaking up his company, but the manipulations of others also move him towards a more integrated sense of self. Is this what happens in our own worlds? Do others push us towards an idea of who we are and what our motives should be until we believe they are our own? As higher level thinking creatures, we like to think that we can find our own purpose, but in the end it is impossible to know what force planted the seed that gave us that purpose.
What Nolan does with Fischer is remarkable because it sets up a visceral image of the question many of us have asked ourselves; How much of me is really me? In the end, Fischer's journey is remarkable and emotionally compelling regardless of how he got there, but pales in comparison to Cobb's own journey.
As we find out more and more about Cobb's time in Limbo and the impact of his wife's inception, one must wonder how much Cobb really knows about his reality. After all, he lived in Limbo longer than he ever lived in the dream world. How many layers down was he? Mal's point regarding Cobb becoming a world renowned extractor only after her death raises some very important questions, and as she is a part of his subconscious, we must believe that somewhere there was always a doubt in Cobb's mind about reality. Either that, or someone is working Cobb himself to bring him back to reality and his kids. His father in law seems a likely suspect, as he inexplicably is there to pick him up from the airport and take him home. It's possible that the father in law is trying to incept Cobb to bring him out. Of course, it's impossible to know what is real and what is not, which I believe is Mr. Nolan's point. We can't be sure of truth, but we can ascribe meaning. Cobb may not every be sure whether his world is real or not, but he can find meaning is his overcoming guilt over his wife's death. Fischer finds meaning in his life in the middle of his deception. The poitn is not to know what is real and what is not, but to notice what is meaningful and what is not.
I saw Inception last night, and I think it's the first time in a while I've been to a movie and not been able to get my thoughts together enough to talk about it afterwards. But, I've had some processing time and here's what I think, for whosoever may care.
At its core, Inception deals with one of the pre-eminent postmodern dilemnas that we face as a culture right now. The idea of being unsure how much of our reality is real or constructed is of great interest to thinking minds around the world, but Inception deals with it beautifully. The target of Cobb's inception, Fischer, seems to have a fractured idea of his father in the "real" world, but within the dreamscapes fabricated by Cobb and his team, finds some real purpose. There is some conflict here. The entire journey Fischer goes through is premeditated by others and thus not really a product of his own will, yet in his own mind, Fischer believes he has made a real discovery for himself regarding his relationship with his father and his own purpose in life.
This makes me a bit uncomfortable. The idea that a dramatic awakening of self could be the product of another entity's designs on my actions is frightening to say the least, yet the character I left the movie feeling most resolved about is Fischer. The guy gets duped into breaking up his company, but the manipulations of others also move him towards a more integrated sense of self. Is this what happens in our own worlds? Do others push us towards an idea of who we are and what our motives should be until we believe they are our own? As higher level thinking creatures, we like to think that we can find our own purpose, but in the end it is impossible to know what force planted the seed that gave us that purpose.
What Nolan does with Fischer is remarkable because it sets up a visceral image of the question many of us have asked ourselves; How much of me is really me? In the end, Fischer's journey is remarkable and emotionally compelling regardless of how he got there, but pales in comparison to Cobb's own journey.
As we find out more and more about Cobb's time in Limbo and the impact of his wife's inception, one must wonder how much Cobb really knows about his reality. After all, he lived in Limbo longer than he ever lived in the dream world. How many layers down was he? Mal's point regarding Cobb becoming a world renowned extractor only after her death raises some very important questions, and as she is a part of his subconscious, we must believe that somewhere there was always a doubt in Cobb's mind about reality. Either that, or someone is working Cobb himself to bring him back to reality and his kids. His father in law seems a likely suspect, as he inexplicably is there to pick him up from the airport and take him home. It's possible that the father in law is trying to incept Cobb to bring him out. Of course, it's impossible to know what is real and what is not, which I believe is Mr. Nolan's point. We can't be sure of truth, but we can ascribe meaning. Cobb may not every be sure whether his world is real or not, but he can find meaning is his overcoming guilt over his wife's death. Fischer finds meaning in his life in the middle of his deception. The poitn is not to know what is real and what is not, but to notice what is meaningful and what is not.
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