Reflections on Nationalism and Faith

I should be more hesitant and less hasty when it comes to elucidating my thoughts on the idea of Patriotism in the worship space. I believe it is too easy to misinterpret words into a black and white space where one is either a true American or a pinko commie. I think that is unfortunate because it dehumanizes us into sides of an issue rather than conscious people grappling with the reality of our world. I have great respect for people on numerous sides of many issues, not because I agree with all of them, but because they are honest, open, and understanding about others' viewpoints; my friendship with them is not contingent on agreement upon every issue. So when I say that the celebration of Nationalism is inappropriate for Church, I do so knowing that this is not a simple issue, but one that depends largely on personal experience.

I have a difficult view of my nation, because on the one hand I appreciate the sacrifice of my countrymen in the interests of protecting me, but on the other hand, I just don't feel right treating the USA as if it is in competition with the other nations of the world to be "better" or "more right." It just doesn't feel healthy to me. I have met, worked with, and studied with a substantial number of international folks, most of whom loved their homelands and did not feel any more or less free in this country. Yes, some had a very difficult past in their own country, but just as many had experienced oppression or violence at the hands of the US in their homeland, which is a sobering reality to deal with. My own view is not that the US is exceptionally good or exceptionally bad, but that it is simply a country, like many that came before it and will come after it. There are fantastic things about it (the people, the land, the music) and there are not so good things about it (pollution, fast food, Rush Limbaugh), but all in all it is a place and it is my home. I deeply love where I live, and the friends and family I have here, but I also deeply love the people who live other places, and struggle with the idea that my home is often in conflict with their home.

I do not struggle as much with my spiritual identity. I love the idea and the principles of Christ. I love the Way, and I want to follow it because I believe deeply that it is good and right. So when I engage in worship or meditation, it is oriented towards that which is perfect, that is to say, God (or whatever name you wish to give "it"). Celebrating a national identity is fine, even healthy for reminding us that we have to live together in this place, but there is danger in the "worship" of a nation. It creates the expectation and belief that a country can be more than it is, that the American way is a sacred path. It is not, at least not for me, because the standards for what is sacred are too high for a country to meet. I never wish that I could just be more American. I do wish, almost constantly, that I could be more like Christ, that I could adopt the attitudes and behavior that He espouses and demonstrated. Worship, when I succeed at it, is really an extended meditation on the Way that brings me closer, if only for a moment, to God. I think this is a sacred time and experience.

When I attend a worship service where this is not the clear, intended goal, I have difficulty engaging with God, and I often fail to adopt a worshipful attitude in these settings. Perhaps this is my problem, as it is not the job of others to cater to me. However, I feel nothing but discomfort when a nationalistic focus is brought into the church. It feels like idol worship, and it is only worse when I perceive, real or not, greater vigor for one's country than one's faith (I admit here that this is simply a gut feeling and is horrifically presumptuous). It's the same feeling I get when I realize I am more passionate about a football game than my spiritual growth.

Maybe this is not a problem for others, and I do not wish to prevent anyone from practicing their faith in whatever way they wish. Perhaps the correct response is for me to simply not participate in events that create a stumbling block for me (it's strange to throw a type of Sunday Service into the same category as a late night bar hop, but I'm just thinking aloud here). In any case, my intention towards others is simply to encourage a close self-examination of the relationship between faith and country. I think a bit of thought towards how we as individuals are being intentional is healthy and important in this matter, especially with regards to how our words and actions reflect our own identities, beliefs, and priorities. I say this as an imperfect person, striving to grow but still not there yet.

Clarity On a Dark Highway in the Early Hours of the Day

I felt like my mind was in overdrive and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Driving back home after a quick trip out to see a baseball game, that old sinking feeling hit me: I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm miles away from who I thought I would be. The voices of loneliness and hopelessness that have whispered in my ear for most of my life have been yelling a lot louder than usual the past couple of months, but for the most part I've been consumed enough with work and school to not have to confront them. And there they were, beckoning me to believe all kinds of things.

You are going to be alone the rest of your life...

You don't really care about other people...

People are happier without you around...

You are a hypocrite...

You will never be good enough...

Something is fundamentally wrong with you...

And then they were gone. I'm sure they will be back, but for one moment, alone in my red station wagon driving through Talladega County, I knew one thing with absolute assurance. You know who you are, and you are good. The sarcasm, the cynical remarks, the negative attitude towards everything and everyone, the constant self-criticism, self-doubt, and self-loathing is not who you are. You have to let it go. Just let go.

So I did. I glanced at my rear view mirror at myself and I said the words "You are better than this, and its time you started believing it."

This morning I did it again. I looked at my bathroom mirror and said out loud "Philip, you are not here on accident. You are here on purpose, and that is good enough."

I've "reinvented myself" in the past and tried to modify my behavior to look more like what I think I should be, and its failed. I've talked about it on this blog, and it still fails. I find a way back to the same self-defeating crap that I always retreat to, and convinced myself that its just my nature. It's not true.

In my heart of hearts, I know there are a few things that are true, and that I should just embrace instead of fighting off.

I can be really sensitive. I've been trying to push that away, but what ends up happening is that I just act insensitive to others or brush people off until I end up feeling bad anyway.The sarcasm, the attempts at acting like an asshole, all a cover for a guys who's always been afraid to be real with people. Let it go. Just be that guy who really loves people, and let it be.

I am an emotionally intense guy. I think everyone knows that about me, but I keep thinking I should push it away. But it is core to who I am, and I'm not going to apologize or run away from it anymore. I am not going to try and act like a stone when I am really a river.

I like to act like I am someone I'm not, and the only one who ever really falls for it is me. I think that's why I seem so "all over the place" most of the time. Because I'm constantly trying to fake a personality I think I should have instead of just being the person God made me to be.

I don't know what all this means. Mostly I'm just trying to capture whatever it was that hit me in the car last night before it gets away, but I will keep pondering things. I'm sure this revelation will seem smaller soon, but right now it seems like I'm close to killing some serious inner conflict, and I think that's worth noting.

Lent Review

I decided against reviewing my progress on each of my 'goals' for a couple of reasons. First, towards the end of Lent, making my goals started to feel like an obligation instead of something I wanted to do, and thus my Lenten reflection began to suffer and virtually disappear in the final weeks. Second, I think the vision gained in Lent is much more valuable than whatever thing we try to give up or take on. The point of Lent is to grow in our walk, not beat some benchmark. For the record, I felt pretty good about running and moderately good about spending, and I still plan on making progress in these two areas beyond Lent.

So what did I learn during my Lenten experiment? I could point towards a number of things, but the main thing that has sunk in is that I never realized how useless guilt is until the last few weeks. Whenever I fell short on one of my commitments, I felt guilty about it. When I spent too much, I felt guilty. When I ran less than I could, I felt guilty. How did I respond to the feeling of guilt? Did I change my behavior and use that feeling to improve myself? No. I tried to find a way to feel better, whether it was by indulging myself in a different way, or by beating myself to try and serve 'penance' for my trespasses against my commitments. Guilt proved to motivate only a desire to feel less guilty, not to do things differently or grow in a real, tangible way.

I recently read a blog where the author suggested that the words "ought to" are the most self-defeating two words in the English language, and suggested that "want to" were a far superior alternative. I tend to agree. If I ought to take better care of myself, or spend less, or anything really, I'm much less likely to actually make any progress than I am if I want to get that high that comes after a good run, or want to have money to spend on something I really want.

The heart wants what the heart wants, after all. If we try to trick ourselves by saying that we shouldn't be this way or that way, and that we "need" to do differently, things are unlikely to change. Trying to be someone you are not will only make you feel frustrated, inferior, and depressed, as I know quite well from the episodes of depression I have experienced in my life. Fighting who you are will not get you anywhere at all.

Does that mean that we should just do whatever we want, and damn the consequences? I don't think it does. I may be optimistic, but I think that, at least for most people, the heart wants to love and be loved above all else. How we go about that is up for debate, but I think most folks I know would agree that sharing in loving, healthy relationship with others is something that we deeply desire. So forgive the cliche, but it seems that it would be hard to go wrong when you follow your heart. Not instincts, not fleeting desires, but what you know, in the deepest part of yourself to be true, good, and lovely.

It's hard to live with guilt. It is easy, however, to make yourself feel guilty by creating false images of yourself that are unattainable. Part of trusting God, I think, is believing that you are here on purpose, that your core desires, your innermost hopes and identity, are good. Trying to be someone else will only make you miserable, but maybe, just maybe, the God who has created and is creating made us to be who we are to the fullest; to be unique, yet intertwined by the grace and love in which all our hopes our bound.

And so here is my prayer to close out Lent and start the next chapter in my life:

Living God, who has created, is creating, and will create,
Remind us that we are made in Your image,
That we may always walk in Your Grace,
Hope, and Love.

Help us see ourselves with Your eyes and not our own,
That we may come to live as Your children,
To love ourselves and one another as
You have loved us.

Surround us in Your presence,
And protect us from ourselves,
As we learn to trust in You.
Show us the way,
Amen.

40-43: Last Days

The last four days I have spent just shy of $70, $38 of which was for Pete Yorn tickets for tomorrow.

I haven't been running since Monday because my knee keeps acting up, but I'm going on Saturday assuming my knee is set to go.

Tomorrow is the last day for the Lent Blog, so expect a big summary either Friday night or Saturday. Overall I think I've done ok on two of my commitments, feel like I've made good effort with keeping a positive attitude and trying to be kinder, and just didn't follow through at all on the dissertation thing. I did set aside more time than usual for school everyday, which has been good, but this last week has been pretty brutal.

Thanks for bearing through with me.

Days 38-39: The Last Weekend

Had a good weekend, aside from some church conference issues I will probably discuss later this week. Sometimes people doing political things to keep up a certain appearance or manage opinions just gets ugly and shows how little we can care about actual people. That should NEVER happen in the church. Period.

I ran as detailed in my last post on Saturday. 2.5 miles running, .5 walking. Hills. Holy crap awful hills. But my calves feel worked.

Spend a total of $37.51 this weekend, 33.00 of which was on gas today. Sweet lord, gas is getting ridiculous.

Worked on school stuff a good bit today. This week consists of two papers, a presentation, and my normal graduate assistant work, and some stress. But then it's almost all over for the semester.