Time for Change

Dear Huffman UMC Family,

After a great deal of prayer and discernment with my wife Carrie, I have made the difficult decision to leave Huffman. This process has been a long time in the making, and I don’t want anyone to feel like they have done anything to run me off or hurt my feelings (or those of my wife). I am leaving Huffman without resentment or anger, and I still believe that the church on Gene Reed Road has a vital role to play in the community around it. Unfortunately, I simply do not see myself being a part of that role. I request that this decision be respected as a final one. The purpose of this letter is not to solicit reasons to reconsider, but to part with Huffman UMC on good terms.

I want my reasons for leaving the church to clear. When my family left Huffman in 2002, there was a bitterness to our departure that left me feeling like I still had unfinished business there. When I came back in 2010, it was with great joy and relief to be in a familiar place with a church family that I knew cared for me. I want to thank everyone, and in particular, the folks in Limbo, for giving me a chance to come back and feel welcomed with open arms.

During the last four years, Huffman gave me a place to grow spiritually without feeling judged, and that has meant the world to me. Huffman also gave me a chance to believe I can be a leader in the church. I was privileged enough to serve on the Staff Parish Relations Committee from 2011-2013, during which time I feel we made important progress towards equipping Huffman with a staff that is ready and able to meet the needs of the congregation and community. Most importantly, the last four years have taught me that I have something to offer to the church; that regardless of my own imperfections, God can use me in the service of His kingdom.

The previous point is one of the primary reasons now is a good time for me to find a new church home. Huffman is the church I “grew up” in, both during my teens and a difficult time during my 20’s. It is the church my family attended and worked in. But it is not the same church my family went to, and it shouldn’t be. I am not the same person I was four years ago when I returned to Huffman. Huffman is a comfortable, secure place for me, but what I need now is a place for my family to live into the identities that God is calling us to. To move forward, I have to leave what is comfortable for new challenges, new friendships, and new opportunities for service.

I do not want anyone to misunderstand me on this point. I do not feel like Huffman has “failed” me or doesn’t care about me. My family and I have a lot of history with Huffman, good history, but the plain fact of the matter is I need a church home where I don’t have a family history. To be faithful to my identity in Christ, I need to find a church where people’s ideas about who I am are not defined by who my parents and grandparents were. I need to find a church without preconceived expectations about who I am based on who I was 15 years ago, or even 4 years ago.

In the same way, Huffman is not the same church it was 15, 20, or 30 years ago, and this is a good and natural thing. I firmly believe that Huffman UMC has a wonderful opportunity to serve the community around it in new, Christ-inspired ways. But to do that, it needs the room to develop a church identity that is not burdened by the history of the church it used to be. I see new and different faces emerging to lead Huffman, with new ideas about what the church can be. I applaud that. At the same time, I recognize that I am part of Huffman UMC’s history, not its future. As much as I need to make this change to become who God is calling me to be, I believe Huffman needs the voices of the past to give way to the voices of the future. If I can offer one hope for the church, it is this: that Huffman UMC will embrace the changing nature of its mission, let go of its past, and open itself to what God is calling it to be. Instead of clinging to the question “How can we get back to what we used to be?” I hope Huffman UMC will fearlessly pursue the question “Who are we called to be now?”

The first time I left Huffman, it wasn’t on my own terms, and it didn’t feel good. Now, I am choosing to leave on my own terms, and I have zero regrets about the time and energy I’ve invested into being a part of the Huffman UMC family. As my wife and I embark on the next step in our journey, I want you all to know that we love you very much, and this is not goodbye. We may not see you at the building on Gene Reed Road, but the relationships we have at Huffman are important to us. When Limbo officially disbanded a few months ago, we made a promise to stay in intentional relationship with one another, and it is my hope that the same will be true of the other relationships I have been fortunate enough to build with the rest of my church family.

With Love in Christ,

Philip Gibson

Predicting the Pirates - A Fan with Statistics

I've been a Pirates fan since 1991 (I was seven years old then), and for the first two seasons, I thought the Pirates always made the playoffs. The next two decades beat that assumption out of me to say the least. For 20 of the previous 22 seasons, the Pirates have broken my heart over and over. During the 2000's, I stopped caring for a while. They were so bad that I had no glimmer of expectation that my Bucs would ever break the .500 line again.

...Then this decade happened. The Pirates have improved each of the last three seasons since 2010, which wasn't that hard considering how bad they had been. In some ways though, it's been worse to be a fan these last couple of years. Each of the last two seasons, we've been wooed by the promise that the Pirates might actually finish the season with a winning record, or better yet, maybe even make the playoffs. Both times, the Bucs came back to earth and broke our hearts all over again. Last year was the worst, when the Pirates entered were 18 games above .500 in August and still found a way to finish with a losing record.

This year, it seems like we might actually have a winning season. We've been consistently above .500 since April 19th, and have what "looks" like an outstanding pitching staff. I say that it "looks" like it is outstanding because it looked great last year too, before falling apart late in the season.

I wanted to get a good sense of where the Pirates should be at the end of the season based on the way they've been performing. Being a stats "guy", I went over to http://www.baseball-reference.com/, which is a sports statistician's goldmine. I pulled the team pitching and batting statistics for the last four seasons (2009-2012) to figure out the best predictors for end-of-season win totals. I looked at, literally, dozens of different stats and ran all sorts of models (nothing too fancy, but too boring to detail here). I found out that the two team stats that really seem to matter are ballpark adjusted ERA (ERA+) and ballpark adjusted OPS (OPS+). Together, these two team statistics account for 85% of the variability in teams' win totals at the end of the season. That's pretty impressive for two statistics.

ERA+ and OPS+ are essentially measures that attempt to normalize pitcher and batter performances in terms of both league averages and ballpark conditions. If a pitcher has an ERA+ of over 100 it means, accounting for the ballparks he pitched in, he allowed fewer runs than the average pitcher in the league. OPS+ does the same thing for batters, but with the more complicated OPS statistic (which accounts for both slugging percentage and on base percentage). If a batter has an OPS+ above 100, then that batter reached base, hit for extra bases, or did both more often than the average batter in the league.

Using the ERA+/OPS+ model to predict the number of wins a team should have at the end of the season, I compared the predicted number of wins to the actual number of wins that the Pirates had from 2009-2012. The model has a standard error estimate of 4.56, meaning that it should predict, within 4 1/2 games, the number of wins the Pirates had during those seasons. It did. Here are the results of my analysis -

The quality of the table isn't great, but it's easy to see that the predicted wins are very close to the actual wins. 2012 is the only year where the "Real Wins" were at the upper limit of the margin of error, and it actually looks like the Pirates should have finished worse that year.

2013 looks pretty murky for the Pirates to me. Based on the model, the Pirates should finish with around 86 wins, which is above .500 (yay!) but isn't likely to get them into the playoffs (boo!). It looks like the pitching staff is, indeed, performing better than the average staff in the league, but not by a whole lot (Texas and Atlanta have team ERA+'s of 123 and 122, respectively). The batting is below average, but no where near the league cellar (The White Sox and Marlins have teams OPS+'s of 77 and 70, respectively).

To sum it up, the Pirates are the definition of an average team this year. They are a little above average in pitching, a little below average in batting, and should finish somewhere in the neighborhood of .500 this year if they stay that way (a big if). The lowest estimated win total for the year is just below 82, which is the magic number for a non-losing season, so I would expect things to get pretty tight around August-September. Until they get their OPS+ at or above 100, I don't expect the Pirates to contend for the division or the Wild Card. As a fan, I'd love for my Bucs to wind up in the playoffs, but right now, I'll settle for a realistic expectation that they will be just a little better than they were last year.

What I want to hear in a debate...

I've been watching the debates and looking at the platforms all election season. I would categorize myself, generally, as a moderate-liberal, whatever that actually means these days. I say that in the interest of full disclosure.

I came away Tuesday night feeling incredibly frustrated with both Romney and Obama. It started with the first question, which was particularly relevant to me as a twenty something aspiring PhD in Sociology. Here's a link to the debate video. The education question and both candidates' responses run from the one minute mark to the nine minute mark.

http://www.youtube.com/politics?feature=etp-pv-ype-3bff3fd3f0

Eight minutes, and neither candidate could give a real solution to the job crisis recent college graduates are currently facing. Sure, I've heard talk of increasing manufacturing jobs, which helps people with those kinds of degrees or training. But much of my generation, who were born in the mid eighties and nineties, had a very different idea of the work we would be doing when we grew up. Traditional manufacturing jobs aren't going to do a lot for us. And neither is promising a return to the economic status-quo of the late nineties and early 2000's.  A lot of us, myself included, went into knowledge producing fields because that's what we were prepared for throughout our entire lives. For my part, my education set me on a very specific path to study social behavior, use statistics, and perform generally intellectual work. Now, when folks like me ask where the jobs are, it seems that the only answers are that we are over-educated, lacking marketable skills, and should have been more practical.

That answer isn't good enough. You don't get to raise an entire generation to march into a new century of promise, wonder, and progress, then blame them for their unemployment when the last generations' greed and irresponsibility put us in this predicament.

The larger issue for me is that my generation is going to be paying for the sins of our parents' generation. We are going to have to pay off the national deficit. We are going to have to find a way to support an increasing proportion of senior citizens. We are going to have to clean up the mess. And it is frustrating.

My generation has the education and know-how to get work done faster than our parents did, yet we are still paid, for the most part, according to our time rather than our results. We are concerned with sustainability because we have to be, because environmental issues are already affecting us. And we are willing to sacrifice for the greater good, as evidenced by the number of young soldiers who have given their lives in wars started before a lot of us could even vote.

I want to hear about fundamental changes we can make as a country to give millennial generation a shot at the society we dreamed of. Where we work to live, not live to work. Where we can finish our education and actually use our degrees. Where we don't have to spend our entire lives paying down the last generations' debts. Where we are willing to put people over principles. And where young people are actually rewarded for being more productive than their parents were.

That last point is really important to me. Work has changed in the last twenty years dramatically, but we still use an arcane system to reimburse people for what they do. I can find, retrieve, and summarize exponentially more academic literature than graduate students even ten years ago. It's not because I'm "better", it's because technology allows me to do more in less time. Logically, that means I should either a) be able to spend less time working and receive the same compensation (adjusted for inflation) or b) be paid more for being able to get more done. Neither, however, is actually the case. Instead, academic positions have become increasingly competitive and less secure. And that's just me. Our society has changed tremendously and is continuing to change at an even quicker rate, but we are playing by social and economic rules that are outdated and, frankly, counterproductive.

Give me a candidate who understands and is willing to deal with that, and I will gladly deliver my vote.

How Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu made my life better.

Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (BJJ) is a martial art that has gained a lot of popularity since the 1990's, when it was used to great effect by Royce Gracie to dominate the early UFC tournaments. Perhaps due to its usage in the mixed-martial arts world, BJJ is associated with the more competitive aspects of martial arts, but for me, it's been a window into a better understanding of myself and others. It has improved my life physically, mentally, and spiritually in ways I can't completely understand. But I felt inspired by the following video to share some of my experiences. Here, Rener Gracie talks about using BJJ to solve bullying problems in school.



As I told one of my BJJ instructors yesterday, I had not been a physically active person in a very long time when I started training. At the age of 27 I was not as healthy as I felt like I should be, and I was tired of feeling like crap about it. A year and a half later, that has definitely changed. But, more importantly, BJJ has helped me deal with some issues that have bothered me since I was a kid.

I was bullied a lot as a kid, and it killed my self-esteem. I remember very clearly being in fifth grade and getting beat up by a bully on the playground. A kid threw me on the ground and hit me, then held me down while a girl kicked me. It was humiliating and made me feel inferior. I've carried that with me for a long time. In middle school, a group of kids threw me down a hill, then held me down and beat me up again during recess. These were "good kids" in the eyes of others, and I remember feeling so awful about myself because no one stood up for me. I wasn't very popular, and I internalized that as I grew up.

I remember telling my teachers about bullying incidents, but this only made it worse for me. From then on I felt like I couldn't handle my own problems, and other kids ostracized me because the only way I could deal with conflict was to tattle-tell. It's no wonder I've had self-esteem problems my whole life.

BJJ changed my life not only by making me more physically fit, but by changing how I see myself in relation to others. When you are routinely grappling with people who are bigger and stronger than you, and surviving, it changes your mindset. I am no where near being a competitive BJJ player, but I feel like I can survive and keep myself from being harmed against an untrained opponent. That level of confidence alone changes the level of confidence I bring to interacting with other people in a variety of situations.

In the film Red Belt, the main character provides an excellent insight on conflict.

"Everything has a force. You embrace it or deflect it. Why oppose it?"

Rener Gracie says something very similar in the Bully Proof promotions when he says that BJJ teaches people to fight fire with water, instead of more fire. This is a core concept in BJJ, that if we try to meet strength with strength, we are leaving too much to chance. Instead, we use technique, leverage, and our knowledge to escape and reverse a situation. This is a huge life lesson that, to me, can only be taught through experience. In the relative safety of the school, or barra, we experience what it is to be threatened, to lose, and to stop using direct force to deal with the threat. It is a lab for life.

I've noticed a huge difference in how I deal with things, and how I respond to things, since taking up BJJ. I realize, most of the time, that responding to insults and offenses by getting angry and offended is absolutely pointless. Understanding the situation and changing the terms so that everyone can learn something, or at the very least, removing myself from harms way, has been a much less stressful way to go about my business. I'm still getting better at this (I'm a white belt in more ways than one), but the difference has already been huge.

Spiritually, BJJ has given me an awareness that is very difficult to explain. When you are grappling, or rolling, with someone, you have to be present without over-asserting your will over the situation. There is an ebb and flow of action and reaction, and I feel at my best when I am mindfully waiting for my opportunity to act, and acting quickly when it arises. This helps in my faith walk tremendously. In Christianity, and any other spiritual discipline, it is easy to get caught up in the determinism vs free will argument. The practice of BJJ, however, has revealed a complimentary relationship between choice and non-choice for me. Just like in the gym, there are opportunities to act in our lives, but there may only be a one or two "good" choices at a given time. The more we practice, the more natural those choices become, until they are such a part of ourselves that we simply "do" instead of "decide".

All of this is simply to say that BJJ, as a discipline, is an enormous benefit to my life. I'd like to encourage anyone who is struggling with their physical fitness, their state-of-mind, or anything else to take a look at it. If you are a parent of a child who is suffering from bullying or just poor self-esteem to look for a BJJ school that will work with them. Rener's system, Bully Proof, is well organized and has generally been well received, so I might start there (I have no skin in the game on this one, I'm just a believer). However, there are tons of BJJ schools out there with lots of approaches, so take a look and see what you like. Speaking from my experience, though, if a kid is being bullied, you need to equip them to deal with it because they will carry it with them well into adulthood.

BJJ will push you and challenge you in ways you will not be able to predict. It requires discipline, humility, openness, humor, and respect. But the returns are exponential.


~Phil

Living in Two Worlds - Intellectual and/or Christian

I've been thinking about a life question of mine lately. I think most of us can relate to the idea that we are citizens of more than one social world. I also think that most of us can relate to the idea that occasionally those worlds come into conflict, and this can cause stress.

For me, the identifiers "Intellectual" and "Christian" have at varying times worked well together and caused enormous internal strife. There have been times that I would consider myself an "Intellectual Christian", that is, someone who is following the Way but claims not to be "one of those idiots". There have been other times that I would consider myself a "Christian Intellectual", that is, a thinker who somehow still manages to have faith. The problem always seems to be deciding which one is my "dominant" identifier.

I've found recently that I do better when I am unaware of my identifiers. This is difficult to explain. There are times that I am simply ignorant to the labels that get thrown around about certain types of people, and in this ignorance I feel less pressure to fit into a certain box. I think it is that way for most people.

One of the joys of functioning in both the church and academia is that I see a lot of symmetry. It seems to me that people are people no matter where you go, even if a lot of important details change from one place to the next. This used to bum me out, but now I feel enriched by the experiences I get to have in a variety of environments. I don't know how this happened, but I'm glad it has.

One of the things I have noticed is that, social structures aside, situations work best when the right people are involved. This is challenging and encouraging. How we define "right people" may depend heavily on the situation at hand.

I'm thinking a lot about the research topic I discussed in my last post. I got some feedback from two colleagues yesterday, and one of them pointed out that my focus was on the negative aspects of being a minister in the Methodist church. I had not really thought about it, but I realized this was a very important insight. In studying how the lives of pastors are impacted by the expectations and roles they live out, I've been presumptuous in thinking that the only impacts I will see are stress and distress. But what about people who are deeply fulfilled by challenging other peoples' views, or who have unique gifts that allow them to handle conflict with incredible grace (just to speculate)?

I'm interested in the interaction between person and situation, and this seems particularly relevant in the relationship between pastors, their churches, and their well-being. I think my focus on distressing outcomes for pastors assumed that the individual (minister) was a subject of the roles and expectations embedded in their situation, and not a participant. In addition to looking at negative outcomes, such as a pastor burning out or selling out, I should also be interested in how people succeed in both conviction and well being. What constellations of pastor characteristics and congregation characteristics work? How do negative experiences help leaders mature instead of giving up on or giving in to difficult situations?

In other words, how do ministers stay happy and just in the face of difficult circumstance? I don't think it is a simple matter of "moral fiber", but I wonder if there are some common factors both in terms of life experiences and social support. Does a pastor both have to have the "right stuff" and the "right people" to make it through the world with their soul intact? Do we all?

Don't Call it a Comeback...

It's been over a year since the last time I posted here at Rants, Raves, and Ramblings. I've flirted with another blog on the learning process as I've started working with the R statistical programming language. If that sounds boring to you, then congratulations, you are a healthy human being.

I'm revisiting this blog because I've recently been experiencing a "reawakening" of my deeper spiritual self. There has been a lot of good and a lot of bad in the last year, but I haven't been as committed to pursuing a deeper, more fully realized faith as I could have been. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it simply is was it is. Sometimes we go through seasons where we make little forward progress because there are simply other things we need to work on, and I do feel like a much more mature person now than I did a year ago.

That said, I've got some work to do on the spiritual end of things, particularly in the realm of "calling". n the past I've been hesitant about the idea of "calling" because I don't necessarily believe there is any single thing that we are supposed to do. However, I believe the idea of calling is much wider and deeper than an occupation. Calling affects how we pursue our occupation, the purpose we put ourselves towards in every facet of our daily lives, and the means we are willing to use to achieve an end.

I'm shamed to say that, as a graduate student, I have found it too easy to succumb to a very functional way of doing my daily business. The academic world is full of the "publish or perish" attitude, which suggests that our first priority should be to get as much material into scholarly journals as we can, regardless of the cost to ourselves or our relationships. It gets very competitive, and it doesn't necessarily have to be. I'm learning from colleagues every day that we are better together 90 percent of the time, and that when everyone cares more about goals than themselves, really great things come of it. Part of bringing a Christian ethic to my work is to remember that every one's needs are as important as mine, and in the end it's not about beating others to the punch, but rather making sure we all get where we need to go with our dignity intact.

The other major issue in my professional life is that of my research. I've long seen my faith as having no place in my research, and for many people that may be the case. However, the whole reason I became interested in sociology (my field) was because I was deeply affected my social injustices I was exposed to as a youth director and in the mission field. I had the desire but not the gifts to be a "foot-soldier" against injustices, but I  am gifted with some talent and passion for intellectual pursuits. As I've made my way through graduate school, I've gotten more honed at using my intellect for research purposes, but have done a great job of bringing my new skills to a place where it can meet my faith. When my adviser took a position at another school this summer, I was confronted with the fact that I might have to rethink my dissertation research. This was, of course, absolutely terrifying, but as I told one professor last week, that fear has started to feel a lot like opportunity.

One thing I'm considering doing for my dissertation research (in addition to some of the research I've already done) is studying the lives of southern ministers and how their position in the church impacts their personal well-being. I think this has the potential to be a great study, both in terms of scholarship and in terms of shedding a light on the issues that church leaders have to deal with as they try to make a difference in the world. One thing I know lots of people have experienced (myself included) is a tension between what we believe to be our purpose and the expectations of the people we serve. It's something that keeps people awake at night. The reasons people go into the ministry and the message they feel convicted to deliver is not always well received, and sometimes downright incompatible with what congregations want to hear. I'm curious as to what happens to ministers who alter their discourse to avoid conflict compared to those who are too convicted or just too stubborn to compromise. I can see how both situations would cause a great deal of mental distress (not just for ministers, but also their families), and I think a sociological analysis of the roles, expectations, and mental health of clergy (especially mainline clergy, who are part of a larger hierarchy), would be both interesting and give a humanistic perspective of individuals who are often cast in a larger than life image that is incredibly difficult to live up to. I have no idea what my findings would actually be, but I think this study idea could contribute to a great dialogue about the ways spiritual leaders interact with their communities.

Anyways, this is a very length introduction to the kinds of things going on in my head these days, and I hope to explore all of the above in greater detail over the next few months. Just wanted to get it all down and out there so I can get some feedback and keep myself motivated.

Peace
Phil

Reflections on Nationalism and Faith

I should be more hesitant and less hasty when it comes to elucidating my thoughts on the idea of Patriotism in the worship space. I believe it is too easy to misinterpret words into a black and white space where one is either a true American or a pinko commie. I think that is unfortunate because it dehumanizes us into sides of an issue rather than conscious people grappling with the reality of our world. I have great respect for people on numerous sides of many issues, not because I agree with all of them, but because they are honest, open, and understanding about others' viewpoints; my friendship with them is not contingent on agreement upon every issue. So when I say that the celebration of Nationalism is inappropriate for Church, I do so knowing that this is not a simple issue, but one that depends largely on personal experience.

I have a difficult view of my nation, because on the one hand I appreciate the sacrifice of my countrymen in the interests of protecting me, but on the other hand, I just don't feel right treating the USA as if it is in competition with the other nations of the world to be "better" or "more right." It just doesn't feel healthy to me. I have met, worked with, and studied with a substantial number of international folks, most of whom loved their homelands and did not feel any more or less free in this country. Yes, some had a very difficult past in their own country, but just as many had experienced oppression or violence at the hands of the US in their homeland, which is a sobering reality to deal with. My own view is not that the US is exceptionally good or exceptionally bad, but that it is simply a country, like many that came before it and will come after it. There are fantastic things about it (the people, the land, the music) and there are not so good things about it (pollution, fast food, Rush Limbaugh), but all in all it is a place and it is my home. I deeply love where I live, and the friends and family I have here, but I also deeply love the people who live other places, and struggle with the idea that my home is often in conflict with their home.

I do not struggle as much with my spiritual identity. I love the idea and the principles of Christ. I love the Way, and I want to follow it because I believe deeply that it is good and right. So when I engage in worship or meditation, it is oriented towards that which is perfect, that is to say, God (or whatever name you wish to give "it"). Celebrating a national identity is fine, even healthy for reminding us that we have to live together in this place, but there is danger in the "worship" of a nation. It creates the expectation and belief that a country can be more than it is, that the American way is a sacred path. It is not, at least not for me, because the standards for what is sacred are too high for a country to meet. I never wish that I could just be more American. I do wish, almost constantly, that I could be more like Christ, that I could adopt the attitudes and behavior that He espouses and demonstrated. Worship, when I succeed at it, is really an extended meditation on the Way that brings me closer, if only for a moment, to God. I think this is a sacred time and experience.

When I attend a worship service where this is not the clear, intended goal, I have difficulty engaging with God, and I often fail to adopt a worshipful attitude in these settings. Perhaps this is my problem, as it is not the job of others to cater to me. However, I feel nothing but discomfort when a nationalistic focus is brought into the church. It feels like idol worship, and it is only worse when I perceive, real or not, greater vigor for one's country than one's faith (I admit here that this is simply a gut feeling and is horrifically presumptuous). It's the same feeling I get when I realize I am more passionate about a football game than my spiritual growth.

Maybe this is not a problem for others, and I do not wish to prevent anyone from practicing their faith in whatever way they wish. Perhaps the correct response is for me to simply not participate in events that create a stumbling block for me (it's strange to throw a type of Sunday Service into the same category as a late night bar hop, but I'm just thinking aloud here). In any case, my intention towards others is simply to encourage a close self-examination of the relationship between faith and country. I think a bit of thought towards how we as individuals are being intentional is healthy and important in this matter, especially with regards to how our words and actions reflect our own identities, beliefs, and priorities. I say this as an imperfect person, striving to grow but still not there yet.

Clarity On a Dark Highway in the Early Hours of the Day

I felt like my mind was in overdrive and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Driving back home after a quick trip out to see a baseball game, that old sinking feeling hit me: I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm miles away from who I thought I would be. The voices of loneliness and hopelessness that have whispered in my ear for most of my life have been yelling a lot louder than usual the past couple of months, but for the most part I've been consumed enough with work and school to not have to confront them. And there they were, beckoning me to believe all kinds of things.

You are going to be alone the rest of your life...

You don't really care about other people...

People are happier without you around...

You are a hypocrite...

You will never be good enough...

Something is fundamentally wrong with you...

And then they were gone. I'm sure they will be back, but for one moment, alone in my red station wagon driving through Talladega County, I knew one thing with absolute assurance. You know who you are, and you are good. The sarcasm, the cynical remarks, the negative attitude towards everything and everyone, the constant self-criticism, self-doubt, and self-loathing is not who you are. You have to let it go. Just let go.

So I did. I glanced at my rear view mirror at myself and I said the words "You are better than this, and its time you started believing it."

This morning I did it again. I looked at my bathroom mirror and said out loud "Philip, you are not here on accident. You are here on purpose, and that is good enough."

I've "reinvented myself" in the past and tried to modify my behavior to look more like what I think I should be, and its failed. I've talked about it on this blog, and it still fails. I find a way back to the same self-defeating crap that I always retreat to, and convinced myself that its just my nature. It's not true.

In my heart of hearts, I know there are a few things that are true, and that I should just embrace instead of fighting off.

I can be really sensitive. I've been trying to push that away, but what ends up happening is that I just act insensitive to others or brush people off until I end up feeling bad anyway.The sarcasm, the attempts at acting like an asshole, all a cover for a guys who's always been afraid to be real with people. Let it go. Just be that guy who really loves people, and let it be.

I am an emotionally intense guy. I think everyone knows that about me, but I keep thinking I should push it away. But it is core to who I am, and I'm not going to apologize or run away from it anymore. I am not going to try and act like a stone when I am really a river.

I like to act like I am someone I'm not, and the only one who ever really falls for it is me. I think that's why I seem so "all over the place" most of the time. Because I'm constantly trying to fake a personality I think I should have instead of just being the person God made me to be.

I don't know what all this means. Mostly I'm just trying to capture whatever it was that hit me in the car last night before it gets away, but I will keep pondering things. I'm sure this revelation will seem smaller soon, but right now it seems like I'm close to killing some serious inner conflict, and I think that's worth noting.

Lent Review

I decided against reviewing my progress on each of my 'goals' for a couple of reasons. First, towards the end of Lent, making my goals started to feel like an obligation instead of something I wanted to do, and thus my Lenten reflection began to suffer and virtually disappear in the final weeks. Second, I think the vision gained in Lent is much more valuable than whatever thing we try to give up or take on. The point of Lent is to grow in our walk, not beat some benchmark. For the record, I felt pretty good about running and moderately good about spending, and I still plan on making progress in these two areas beyond Lent.

So what did I learn during my Lenten experiment? I could point towards a number of things, but the main thing that has sunk in is that I never realized how useless guilt is until the last few weeks. Whenever I fell short on one of my commitments, I felt guilty about it. When I spent too much, I felt guilty. When I ran less than I could, I felt guilty. How did I respond to the feeling of guilt? Did I change my behavior and use that feeling to improve myself? No. I tried to find a way to feel better, whether it was by indulging myself in a different way, or by beating myself to try and serve 'penance' for my trespasses against my commitments. Guilt proved to motivate only a desire to feel less guilty, not to do things differently or grow in a real, tangible way.

I recently read a blog where the author suggested that the words "ought to" are the most self-defeating two words in the English language, and suggested that "want to" were a far superior alternative. I tend to agree. If I ought to take better care of myself, or spend less, or anything really, I'm much less likely to actually make any progress than I am if I want to get that high that comes after a good run, or want to have money to spend on something I really want.

The heart wants what the heart wants, after all. If we try to trick ourselves by saying that we shouldn't be this way or that way, and that we "need" to do differently, things are unlikely to change. Trying to be someone you are not will only make you feel frustrated, inferior, and depressed, as I know quite well from the episodes of depression I have experienced in my life. Fighting who you are will not get you anywhere at all.

Does that mean that we should just do whatever we want, and damn the consequences? I don't think it does. I may be optimistic, but I think that, at least for most people, the heart wants to love and be loved above all else. How we go about that is up for debate, but I think most folks I know would agree that sharing in loving, healthy relationship with others is something that we deeply desire. So forgive the cliche, but it seems that it would be hard to go wrong when you follow your heart. Not instincts, not fleeting desires, but what you know, in the deepest part of yourself to be true, good, and lovely.

It's hard to live with guilt. It is easy, however, to make yourself feel guilty by creating false images of yourself that are unattainable. Part of trusting God, I think, is believing that you are here on purpose, that your core desires, your innermost hopes and identity, are good. Trying to be someone else will only make you miserable, but maybe, just maybe, the God who has created and is creating made us to be who we are to the fullest; to be unique, yet intertwined by the grace and love in which all our hopes our bound.

And so here is my prayer to close out Lent and start the next chapter in my life:

Living God, who has created, is creating, and will create,
Remind us that we are made in Your image,
That we may always walk in Your Grace,
Hope, and Love.

Help us see ourselves with Your eyes and not our own,
That we may come to live as Your children,
To love ourselves and one another as
You have loved us.

Surround us in Your presence,
And protect us from ourselves,
As we learn to trust in You.
Show us the way,
Amen.

40-43: Last Days

The last four days I have spent just shy of $70, $38 of which was for Pete Yorn tickets for tomorrow.

I haven't been running since Monday because my knee keeps acting up, but I'm going on Saturday assuming my knee is set to go.

Tomorrow is the last day for the Lent Blog, so expect a big summary either Friday night or Saturday. Overall I think I've done ok on two of my commitments, feel like I've made good effort with keeping a positive attitude and trying to be kinder, and just didn't follow through at all on the dissertation thing. I did set aside more time than usual for school everyday, which has been good, but this last week has been pretty brutal.

Thanks for bearing through with me.

Days 38-39: The Last Weekend

Had a good weekend, aside from some church conference issues I will probably discuss later this week. Sometimes people doing political things to keep up a certain appearance or manage opinions just gets ugly and shows how little we can care about actual people. That should NEVER happen in the church. Period.

I ran as detailed in my last post on Saturday. 2.5 miles running, .5 walking. Hills. Holy crap awful hills. But my calves feel worked.

Spend a total of $37.51 this weekend, 33.00 of which was on gas today. Sweet lord, gas is getting ridiculous.

Worked on school stuff a good bit today. This week consists of two papers, a presentation, and my normal graduate assistant work, and some stress. But then it's almost all over for the semester.

Days 35-37: Boring End, Boring Week

Money: $66 in the last three days, 20 of which was for a baseball game and concessions, another 22 on gas today. Gas is really getting expensive

Running: Got back to running on Thursday, knee feels better but I ran two miles and walked another just to be safe. I'll run 2.5 and walk .5 tomorrow.

Dissertation: Did some minor background work on neighborhood disadvantage and business practices. I've been inconsistent here, but it's been harder to work on this stuff everyday than I thought it would be

The other stuff: I think I've been doing pretty well with people lately. Saying yes to things a little more when I can, and I'm pretty happy with my friendship circle situation.

Good night.

Days 33-34: Cruise Control

This is a super busy week so I'll keep it short.

Spent $2.02 Monday, spent $7.00 today, for a total of $9.00 over the last four days.

My knee is not ready yet, so I'm taking it easy.

Busy busy busy with school.

Days 31-32: My KneeI

Did something to my knee Friday, so I'm not running again until Monday.

Haven't spent anything since going grocery shopping, although I've decided eating the same thing all the time is kind of bland. Next time around I'm going to diversify.

Got that article completely done and accepted Sunday night, so thank goodness that is over with. Now I just have to focus on all the crazy work I have coming down the pike this week.

Days 29-30: The Day I Went Shopping

Good news: I went running for 40 minutes today, which is a new best. It hurt ...a lot

Mediocre news: I had to edit that manuscript for publication...again. It's really my own fault for missing a couple of things the last time around, but hopefully everything is all good this time around and the things finally gets cleared.

The expensive news: I got gas and went grocery shopping yesterday. Final tally was $107.60 for the day. Which brings me to this weekend, which will be "no spending anything weekend." I'm going to try to make it through Tuesday without buying ANYTHING, which means I have to live off the groceries I got, plan meals properly, and be more vigilant than ever on spending.

Here's hoping.

Day 27-28: Just an update

Ran today - 30 minutes, partly up an down hills

Spent $22 in the last two days. Need to do a full calculation of how much I'm on pace to spend this month.

Worked on the journal article...again. It seems this editing thing pretty much never ends.

On that note...good night, I'm a sleepy Phil.

Day 26 - Cynicism is Bullsh!t

I think the title says it all. I've been super guilty of being a cynical person, but I'm understanding more and more that every cynical remark, every eye-rolling moment, every witty criticism of "society" does nothing at best, and proves that I like being better than everyone else more than doing something about problems at worst.

I heard Conan say on his last Tonight Show appearance that cynicism was useless. I loved it, but I was too arrogant to realize he was talking to people like me.... people who like writing about how sorry society is, how stupid everything is, how apathetic people are. But pointing out problems isn't enough. How we go about seeing the world and shining a light on the ugly parts is just as important as the pursuit of the "truth." Take the Invisible Children movement. These people witnessed unspeakable atrocity in Uganda, but it is concretely related to their love and community with people. People that have names, faces, and identities. They speak of the child soldier issue not as evidence that the world is stupid, but as something they are personally responsible for addressing.

The world is not about us, but each one of us is responsible to and for the world we see. We each have a hand in it, and at the very least, we have to take ownership of making a difference in the relationships we find ourselves with, both with individuals and with our community at large. It's difficult, and it takes a lot of effort. I have little to no room to speak, but I'm praying and meditating on how I can make a difference, and I think I'm seeing ways I can orient my gifts towards making a real difference for others. I hope that is the case, and I hope you will pray for me.

I need to make the issues I see a problem with personal. They need "skin." If I think poverty is a problem, I need to spend time amongst poverty. I get this, but I don't always GET this. I think about having the right position towards poverty issues without being involved directly in them. I don't have a personal stake in the issues I care about. I haven't hitched my hopes to those I supposedly care the most about. That needs to change, and once again, I hope you will pray for me.

It's not enough to be critical, to have the right opinion about something. You have to have a stake in the race. There has to be risk. Commitment. Faith. Love (and not the idea kind, but the verb kind.)

Stats:

Dissertation: considered, designed in my head, needs legs

Running: Ran yesterday, hah!

Money: spend 4.80 on breakfast...I'm getting pretty good.

Days 24-25 - A Weekend, a Thought

Yesterday I spent $4.04 (on breakfast), and today it was $21.08 (on gas and gatorade).

I ran/walked for 35 minutes with the Limbo crowd today, but it was so hot I didn't keep pace very well.

I haven't been very productive at all on the dissertation thing, but considering I may change the whole thing, taking the last week to mostly process has been good.

This weekend there were several occasions that centered around the same thing - Life is not about me. I've said this before, but it bears repeating. The weekly newsletter from our pastor reminded me of this, our discussion this morning in Limbo reminded me of this, and several little things reminded me of this.

I spend a lot of mental energy thinking about relationships, regardless of the fact that I haven't been in a serious relationship in over 20 months. I always seem to think that if I am not dating, or at least moving towards dating, something is wrong. If life is not about me, however, then what happens or doesn't happen in my dating life is not that important. Instead, this season of life presents an opportunity to step outside myself without worrying about a significant other, to be more fearless in the way I love people or pursue whatever it is God is calling me too.

I'm not sure whether I'm going to get married or be single the rest of my life. I'm realizing, however, that it doesn't really matter. This world doesn't revolve around me. I am part of it, and there are things laid in front of me to do, hopefully to make it a better place. But I am only a part of it, which is actually pretty relieving. I don't have to drive events, and in fact, it may be better that I don't. Instead, my job is simply to see what is in front of me and respond.

I wonder what would happen if we were more worried about loving the people in our lives than gaining other people's love. If we were more concerned with others' needs than our wants, would we live such stressful lives? Would we be as unhappy as a society as we seem to be? I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing not.

Day 22-23 - Short update

Money spent last two days - $13.22

Ran three miles - check

Worked extra on school stuff - Grade all the tests I had to grade the same day the students took them. Read ahead for theory. Checked into some fellowship stuff. I need to actually work on the dissertation proper next week, but this has been a hard one to keep up with properly.

I'm in the midst of trying to be more gracious and less snarky, and I think it's been going well...

Day 21–Jimmy Johns and Cancer

 

I had two interesting occurrences today. I had dinner at Jimmy Johns with a friend ($7.20 for those keeping up). I always love hanging out with this friend because she keeps me honest. I doubt she really understands how valuable her friendship is to me, but I always deeply value our conversations and time together. When I left last night, I felt reinvigorated to continue with this quest to become the kind of man I believe I have been called to be. My unnamed friend tends to do that without even knowing it, so thank you.

Second, I found out about a fellowship in epidemiology dealing with social behaviors and life and cancer. I had never thought about doing cancer research before, but given the way the disease has impacted my life, my interest was piqued. Then I heard I might be able to do research in the Black Belt if I got the fellowship. My interest was further piqued. I’m meditating on this idea, because even though it has nothing to do with what I was thinking of doing for my dissertation, it might be more important. The question I’m struggling with is whether it is more important for me to make a significant contribution to sociology, or use sociology to do research that might have a shot a helping people. I’m leaning towards the latter, but I’m going to be patient with my decisions and see what actually happens.