Clarity On a Dark Highway in the Early Hours of the Day

I felt like my mind was in overdrive and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Driving back home after a quick trip out to see a baseball game, that old sinking feeling hit me: I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm miles away from who I thought I would be. The voices of loneliness and hopelessness that have whispered in my ear for most of my life have been yelling a lot louder than usual the past couple of months, but for the most part I've been consumed enough with work and school to not have to confront them. And there they were, beckoning me to believe all kinds of things.

You are going to be alone the rest of your life...

You don't really care about other people...

People are happier without you around...

You are a hypocrite...

You will never be good enough...

Something is fundamentally wrong with you...

And then they were gone. I'm sure they will be back, but for one moment, alone in my red station wagon driving through Talladega County, I knew one thing with absolute assurance. You know who you are, and you are good. The sarcasm, the cynical remarks, the negative attitude towards everything and everyone, the constant self-criticism, self-doubt, and self-loathing is not who you are. You have to let it go. Just let go.

So I did. I glanced at my rear view mirror at myself and I said the words "You are better than this, and its time you started believing it."

This morning I did it again. I looked at my bathroom mirror and said out loud "Philip, you are not here on accident. You are here on purpose, and that is good enough."

I've "reinvented myself" in the past and tried to modify my behavior to look more like what I think I should be, and its failed. I've talked about it on this blog, and it still fails. I find a way back to the same self-defeating crap that I always retreat to, and convinced myself that its just my nature. It's not true.

In my heart of hearts, I know there are a few things that are true, and that I should just embrace instead of fighting off.

I can be really sensitive. I've been trying to push that away, but what ends up happening is that I just act insensitive to others or brush people off until I end up feeling bad anyway.The sarcasm, the attempts at acting like an asshole, all a cover for a guys who's always been afraid to be real with people. Let it go. Just be that guy who really loves people, and let it be.

I am an emotionally intense guy. I think everyone knows that about me, but I keep thinking I should push it away. But it is core to who I am, and I'm not going to apologize or run away from it anymore. I am not going to try and act like a stone when I am really a river.

I like to act like I am someone I'm not, and the only one who ever really falls for it is me. I think that's why I seem so "all over the place" most of the time. Because I'm constantly trying to fake a personality I think I should have instead of just being the person God made me to be.

I don't know what all this means. Mostly I'm just trying to capture whatever it was that hit me in the car last night before it gets away, but I will keep pondering things. I'm sure this revelation will seem smaller soon, but right now it seems like I'm close to killing some serious inner conflict, and I think that's worth noting.