As I look back on the past year, it's amazing how different my life is than how I expected it to me. I won't go into details out of respect for the wishes of the involved parties, but about this time last year, if I have my dates right, was one of the absolute dark pits of my life. I was sure I would never make a comeback. Those of you who know me well probably got sick of my sob stories and self-depreciating, so I want to tell you just how much I love, appreciate, and remember your support and encouragement. My friends mean the world to me, you really do, and I hope at some point in my life to repay you for everything you guys have given me. There, sappy part over.
I've heard it said that real growth comes out of adversity, and I would say now that this is true. I don't think I understood real humility until this past year. I never knew what it was like to feel truly, indefensibly wrong, and it damn near broke me in half. I'm sure there will always be some wonder in my mind as to what could have/should have gone differently, but at the same time, I think I really began to understand what it is to be gracious towards other people in the past year. People define themselves enough by their shortcomings, without me helping them see just how short they are. Nothing hurt by ability to grow as a person as much as being told how big or obvious my faults were, but what did help was the steady, stern encouragement of my friends and most of all my mother and brother. These two magnificent people have never failed to see the best in me and remind me of it. We need those voices in our lives.Okay, so the sappy part probably won't ever end.
As of now, I'm definitely not where I thought I'd be. I thought by 26 I would be married, looking to settle down, and focusing on starting a family. Instead, I'm single, working on yet another big degree, and definitely not even thinking of a family. And the weird part is that I'm okay with that. I love what I do. Sociology is an incredible field, full of insightful perspectives and real geniuses who I am so fortunate to spend time around. I feel like what I study makes a difference, not just career wise but in terms of the ideas I get the chance to spread to other people. Like Dr. Borch says, I'm starting to become an "Evangelical Sociologist."
The friends I've made in the past year are awesome. The Rojo crowd kicks ass, just so you know. It's always a blast and a half to laugh, talk, and wiffle with you guys on Wednesdays and Sundays, and all the in between. Limbo has been good, although i'm still a newbie and thus unqualified to make a reasonable promotion.
Anyway, this rambling has been particularly rambling. Guess I just wanted to say that I'm grateful for the folks I know, and the best is yet to come.
Peace Out, Yo.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
The Late Night post- Regarding things that really matter
"I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me"- Matthew 25:40
"For the poor will never cease to be in the land; therefore I command you, saying, 'You shall freely open your hand to your brother, to your needy and poor in your land"- Deuteronomy 15:11
Tonight I got into an argument. It became emotional. I was upset at the end of it and for the first time in months, I actually knelt down in front of my car and prayed to God that I had represented him well in the things I had said.
The other participant in this argument believed that the homeless people living in Northside were a nuisance to his business, and therefore the Church of the Reconciler, which serves the poor in this area, was also a nuisance. He believed the Church needed to relocate so that the homeless would no longer be in his place of business. He believed this was necessary for his "customers" to feel secure buying from him, but this customer shall not ever be participating in his business. My belief, as a Christian, is that we can never consider our own rights more important than those of the disadvantaged. The fact of the matter, at least in my own life, is that I could easily be on the street if not for people who intervened at exactly the right time. The fact that they have nothing should have no relevance to how I treat their right to exist in the same space as me.
I can understand non-Christians disagreeing with the presence of the poor in their everyday life, but there is no topic which Jesus addressed more in his ministry. He made it clear that the privileged class in his eyes were those who had nothing, so who am I to deny this.
I am afraid I alienated someone tonight from wanting to further their relationship with me, but the truth is that, if there is anything compelling about Jesus, it is his unwillingness to bow down before the powers of money and its authority. There is no moral superiority that comes with being financially fortunate, and we would all do well to remember that. Instead of bitching about taxes, perhaps we should ask ourselves who our neighbors are, and what we can do for them. I don't know why I got so emotional tonight, but perhaps it was because I remembered who I looked up to, and who he stood up for. I haven't been there for the poor in the past year, but tonight reminded me that there is real hate being directed towards them, and they need solidarity. God bless the homeless of Birmingham. I hope they will always be welcomed and accepted by those who call Christ their leader. I'm not a stuck up Jesus freak by any means, but if there is anything that has ever drawn me towards him, it is his fearlessness in sticking up for the voiceless. May we all do the same, regardless of faith.
"For the poor will never cease to be in the land; therefore I command you, saying, 'You shall freely open your hand to your brother, to your needy and poor in your land"- Deuteronomy 15:11
Tonight I got into an argument. It became emotional. I was upset at the end of it and for the first time in months, I actually knelt down in front of my car and prayed to God that I had represented him well in the things I had said.
The other participant in this argument believed that the homeless people living in Northside were a nuisance to his business, and therefore the Church of the Reconciler, which serves the poor in this area, was also a nuisance. He believed the Church needed to relocate so that the homeless would no longer be in his place of business. He believed this was necessary for his "customers" to feel secure buying from him, but this customer shall not ever be participating in his business. My belief, as a Christian, is that we can never consider our own rights more important than those of the disadvantaged. The fact of the matter, at least in my own life, is that I could easily be on the street if not for people who intervened at exactly the right time. The fact that they have nothing should have no relevance to how I treat their right to exist in the same space as me.
I can understand non-Christians disagreeing with the presence of the poor in their everyday life, but there is no topic which Jesus addressed more in his ministry. He made it clear that the privileged class in his eyes were those who had nothing, so who am I to deny this.
I am afraid I alienated someone tonight from wanting to further their relationship with me, but the truth is that, if there is anything compelling about Jesus, it is his unwillingness to bow down before the powers of money and its authority. There is no moral superiority that comes with being financially fortunate, and we would all do well to remember that. Instead of bitching about taxes, perhaps we should ask ourselves who our neighbors are, and what we can do for them. I don't know why I got so emotional tonight, but perhaps it was because I remembered who I looked up to, and who he stood up for. I haven't been there for the poor in the past year, but tonight reminded me that there is real hate being directed towards them, and they need solidarity. God bless the homeless of Birmingham. I hope they will always be welcomed and accepted by those who call Christ their leader. I'm not a stuck up Jesus freak by any means, but if there is anything that has ever drawn me towards him, it is his fearlessness in sticking up for the voiceless. May we all do the same, regardless of faith.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Inception - a stream of thoughts
Before I start with this, I'lll go ahead and warn anyone who decides to read this that SPOILERS ABOUND!!! Anyway, now that that awful little piece of business is taken care of, on with the show.
I saw Inception last night, and I think it's the first time in a while I've been to a movie and not been able to get my thoughts together enough to talk about it afterwards. But, I've had some processing time and here's what I think, for whosoever may care.
At its core, Inception deals with one of the pre-eminent postmodern dilemnas that we face as a culture right now. The idea of being unsure how much of our reality is real or constructed is of great interest to thinking minds around the world, but Inception deals with it beautifully. The target of Cobb's inception, Fischer, seems to have a fractured idea of his father in the "real" world, but within the dreamscapes fabricated by Cobb and his team, finds some real purpose. There is some conflict here. The entire journey Fischer goes through is premeditated by others and thus not really a product of his own will, yet in his own mind, Fischer believes he has made a real discovery for himself regarding his relationship with his father and his own purpose in life.
This makes me a bit uncomfortable. The idea that a dramatic awakening of self could be the product of another entity's designs on my actions is frightening to say the least, yet the character I left the movie feeling most resolved about is Fischer. The guy gets duped into breaking up his company, but the manipulations of others also move him towards a more integrated sense of self. Is this what happens in our own worlds? Do others push us towards an idea of who we are and what our motives should be until we believe they are our own? As higher level thinking creatures, we like to think that we can find our own purpose, but in the end it is impossible to know what force planted the seed that gave us that purpose.
What Nolan does with Fischer is remarkable because it sets up a visceral image of the question many of us have asked ourselves; How much of me is really me? In the end, Fischer's journey is remarkable and emotionally compelling regardless of how he got there, but pales in comparison to Cobb's own journey.
As we find out more and more about Cobb's time in Limbo and the impact of his wife's inception, one must wonder how much Cobb really knows about his reality. After all, he lived in Limbo longer than he ever lived in the dream world. How many layers down was he? Mal's point regarding Cobb becoming a world renowned extractor only after her death raises some very important questions, and as she is a part of his subconscious, we must believe that somewhere there was always a doubt in Cobb's mind about reality. Either that, or someone is working Cobb himself to bring him back to reality and his kids. His father in law seems a likely suspect, as he inexplicably is there to pick him up from the airport and take him home. It's possible that the father in law is trying to incept Cobb to bring him out. Of course, it's impossible to know what is real and what is not, which I believe is Mr. Nolan's point. We can't be sure of truth, but we can ascribe meaning. Cobb may not every be sure whether his world is real or not, but he can find meaning is his overcoming guilt over his wife's death. Fischer finds meaning in his life in the middle of his deception. The poitn is not to know what is real and what is not, but to notice what is meaningful and what is not.
I saw Inception last night, and I think it's the first time in a while I've been to a movie and not been able to get my thoughts together enough to talk about it afterwards. But, I've had some processing time and here's what I think, for whosoever may care.
At its core, Inception deals with one of the pre-eminent postmodern dilemnas that we face as a culture right now. The idea of being unsure how much of our reality is real or constructed is of great interest to thinking minds around the world, but Inception deals with it beautifully. The target of Cobb's inception, Fischer, seems to have a fractured idea of his father in the "real" world, but within the dreamscapes fabricated by Cobb and his team, finds some real purpose. There is some conflict here. The entire journey Fischer goes through is premeditated by others and thus not really a product of his own will, yet in his own mind, Fischer believes he has made a real discovery for himself regarding his relationship with his father and his own purpose in life.
This makes me a bit uncomfortable. The idea that a dramatic awakening of self could be the product of another entity's designs on my actions is frightening to say the least, yet the character I left the movie feeling most resolved about is Fischer. The guy gets duped into breaking up his company, but the manipulations of others also move him towards a more integrated sense of self. Is this what happens in our own worlds? Do others push us towards an idea of who we are and what our motives should be until we believe they are our own? As higher level thinking creatures, we like to think that we can find our own purpose, but in the end it is impossible to know what force planted the seed that gave us that purpose.
What Nolan does with Fischer is remarkable because it sets up a visceral image of the question many of us have asked ourselves; How much of me is really me? In the end, Fischer's journey is remarkable and emotionally compelling regardless of how he got there, but pales in comparison to Cobb's own journey.
As we find out more and more about Cobb's time in Limbo and the impact of his wife's inception, one must wonder how much Cobb really knows about his reality. After all, he lived in Limbo longer than he ever lived in the dream world. How many layers down was he? Mal's point regarding Cobb becoming a world renowned extractor only after her death raises some very important questions, and as she is a part of his subconscious, we must believe that somewhere there was always a doubt in Cobb's mind about reality. Either that, or someone is working Cobb himself to bring him back to reality and his kids. His father in law seems a likely suspect, as he inexplicably is there to pick him up from the airport and take him home. It's possible that the father in law is trying to incept Cobb to bring him out. Of course, it's impossible to know what is real and what is not, which I believe is Mr. Nolan's point. We can't be sure of truth, but we can ascribe meaning. Cobb may not every be sure whether his world is real or not, but he can find meaning is his overcoming guilt over his wife's death. Fischer finds meaning in his life in the middle of his deception. The poitn is not to know what is real and what is not, but to notice what is meaningful and what is not.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Depression and Other People
At the encouragement of a friend who thinks I should keep speaking up about the subject, I'm continuing to write about depression. So if this turns out to be a terrible idea, you can blame Kevin. I know I will.
It is somewhat humorous to me to try and speak confidently about depression, mainly because a core feature of the illness is a pathological lack of self-confidence. When I was thinking about writing this blog, I tried to think about what would happen if a bunch of depressed folks decided to throw a fundraiser for depression awareness and research. I think there would be a lot of difficulty figuring out who would speak to people about the event, because no one would feel all that confident about it. Random thought for the day.
My suspicion, albeit a biased one, is that depression makes social interactions between the depressed party and other people strained on both ends to say the least. I think it is an understandable position to avoid dealing with people who have depression. I do not think people do this because they dislike depressed people, but because it is frustrating to try and have a good time with someone who is constantly at risk to have a meltdown or sink into a funk. It's just easier to hang out with people we know are going to be chill, not create drama, and take things for what they are. I try not to begrudge people who cannot deal with difficult people, but I think it is a real shame sometimes for a few reasons.
Many of the most brilliant minds the world has ever seen were depressives. Even David of biblical fame is suspected to have suffered from depression. (Just read Psalm 102, it reads like a list of symptoms from the DSM) Insight and art often come from a place of deep reflection and seriousness that, for whatever reason, seems to co-habitate with the same tendencies that cause depression. Without sounding full of myself, one of the things I am most proud of is being able to think and feel deeply about the things going on around me. I love seeing meaning in things. Unfortunately, this can be a bit overwhelming for the old synapses. It can also be difficult to converse with people when there is a lot going on in the old noggin and you don't know how to shut it down and just respond to whats in front of you. A pretty common feature in depression is that we tend not to listen very well, which I think is one of the most tragic parts of the whole disease. I really want to be able to hear and process what other people are thinking and feeling without over analyzing it and having my own thoughts interject. I love people, I really do, yet I can come off as rude sometimes because I'm in my head all the time.
This all sounds a bit weird, but what I am trying to do with posts like these is paint a picture for those of you who have never had a mental disorder of some of the make up our realities. I hope it is helpful for someone who wants to understand this disease better. For my part, I hope to continue sharing as honestly as I can about an issue I care a great deal about. I hope to have some good discussions with folks through this blog about anything you want to know about, or questions you may have, so please feel free to e-mail or comment on the posts themselves.
Peace,
Phil
philagan@gmail.com
It is somewhat humorous to me to try and speak confidently about depression, mainly because a core feature of the illness is a pathological lack of self-confidence. When I was thinking about writing this blog, I tried to think about what would happen if a bunch of depressed folks decided to throw a fundraiser for depression awareness and research. I think there would be a lot of difficulty figuring out who would speak to people about the event, because no one would feel all that confident about it. Random thought for the day.
My suspicion, albeit a biased one, is that depression makes social interactions between the depressed party and other people strained on both ends to say the least. I think it is an understandable position to avoid dealing with people who have depression. I do not think people do this because they dislike depressed people, but because it is frustrating to try and have a good time with someone who is constantly at risk to have a meltdown or sink into a funk. It's just easier to hang out with people we know are going to be chill, not create drama, and take things for what they are. I try not to begrudge people who cannot deal with difficult people, but I think it is a real shame sometimes for a few reasons.
Many of the most brilliant minds the world has ever seen were depressives. Even David of biblical fame is suspected to have suffered from depression. (Just read Psalm 102, it reads like a list of symptoms from the DSM) Insight and art often come from a place of deep reflection and seriousness that, for whatever reason, seems to co-habitate with the same tendencies that cause depression. Without sounding full of myself, one of the things I am most proud of is being able to think and feel deeply about the things going on around me. I love seeing meaning in things. Unfortunately, this can be a bit overwhelming for the old synapses. It can also be difficult to converse with people when there is a lot going on in the old noggin and you don't know how to shut it down and just respond to whats in front of you. A pretty common feature in depression is that we tend not to listen very well, which I think is one of the most tragic parts of the whole disease. I really want to be able to hear and process what other people are thinking and feeling without over analyzing it and having my own thoughts interject. I love people, I really do, yet I can come off as rude sometimes because I'm in my head all the time.
This all sounds a bit weird, but what I am trying to do with posts like these is paint a picture for those of you who have never had a mental disorder of some of the make up our realities. I hope it is helpful for someone who wants to understand this disease better. For my part, I hope to continue sharing as honestly as I can about an issue I care a great deal about. I hope to have some good discussions with folks through this blog about anything you want to know about, or questions you may have, so please feel free to e-mail or comment on the posts themselves.
Peace,
Phil
philagan@gmail.com
Friday, July 16, 2010
This Mess is for Real: Thoughts on Depression
I was really hesitant to make this post for a couple of reasons, the most important of which being that I have often been accused of being too open with people, and as such spent a lot of time in the past year trying to make that less so. I quickly realized, however, that one of the ways society at large (and unfortunately the church) deals with depression is to pretend it doesn't really exist, and tell people who suffer from this debilitating disease that they need to suck it up.
The truth of the matter is that if you have had this awful disease, you would know just how frighteningly real it is. To clarify, depression is not feeling sad all the time. It is so much more than that. In truth, being depressed is nothing like being sad. When I am simply sad, I can identify what is the root of this sadness and take a reasonable view on it. (For example, if my team loses a baseball game, I can understand that this sucks and move on from it) With depression, however, there is a massive chain of unreasonable mental cluster-effing that happens internally. To illustrate, here is an example of a depressed person's train of thought in all it's glorious action.
No one has called me today, I wonder why that is.
What if all my friends actually hate me and don't want to hang out with me?
Even worse, what if none of them even thought of me while planning their evening?
Crap, either I am a jerk or so forgettable that no one cares if I am around or not.
I wonder if I should call someone to hang out.
Probably not, they either won't answer or come up with a reason not to hang out.
I suck.
It's probably good that no one is hanging out with me, I'd just drag them down.
i'm doing society a favor by not hanging out with people.
It's my own fault no one is calling me.
I am so selfish for thinking about myself.
Wow, I deserve to be unliked, look how selfish I am
Once again, I suck.
I wonder if everyone knows what a terrible person I am?
on and on like so.
The worst part about all of this is that, the entire time, you know how illogical you are being, but you cannot stop it, which only adds to the feeling of helplessness. Now, if you're wondering how to make things worse, I'll be more than happy to tell you.
Tell a person with depression to get over it. Will not make things better, will in fact make things worse.
Try to fix it. Will not only make things worse, but will also make them resent you.
Tell a person with depression that it's not a real disease. Will not only make things worse, but also shows your total misunderstanding of a medical problem. You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that cancer isn't real, and thus you should treat this the same way.
Tell a person with depression that they are using it as a excuse. This is my favorite piece of BS of all time, because it is not only ignorant, but frustrating as hell. No one, given a choice between the daily complications that come with depression and dealing with life in a "normal" way, would pick depression. It sucks knowing you feel a certain way or do a certain thing because of a mental illness, and most people who have been through it will tell you how much they would love to just be like everyone else.
Since being diangosed with anxiety/depression back in 2007, I've been on and off about talking to people about it. Truthfully, my greatest fear is that I will be labeled by it as unacceptable, and I think this is reasonable given the stigma of the disease. However, I want to be out of the closet about this, not only to help myself but to help others. This disease is a killer, just like any number of diseases that we have compassion about. It's even worse for males, because of the stigma against being emotional attached to being a man. In fact, research has shown that the stigma for male depression may be why men are four times more likely to commit suicide than women.
So I'm out. I have depression. You don't have to be afraid of me, or tiptoe around me, just be understanding. Sometimes I can be difficult, so please don't take it personally, just ask if this is a depression thing and I'll let you know. I'm one of the lucky ones when it comes to this disease. i've managed to stay pretty high functioning and have been able to at least cope without medication. I've managed to overcome a number of things that I never thought I'd overcome, and I'm proud of that fact. But our society has a lot to learn about this issue, and those of us who struggle with depression need to stop being ashamed of it. If anything, it can only help to start taking pride in continuing to wake up every morning and get out there. There are not many people who have been hit with this disease and managed to keep getting up off the mat, so we need to keep encouraging one another.
Peace. (That actually felt really good.)
The truth of the matter is that if you have had this awful disease, you would know just how frighteningly real it is. To clarify, depression is not feeling sad all the time. It is so much more than that. In truth, being depressed is nothing like being sad. When I am simply sad, I can identify what is the root of this sadness and take a reasonable view on it. (For example, if my team loses a baseball game, I can understand that this sucks and move on from it) With depression, however, there is a massive chain of unreasonable mental cluster-effing that happens internally. To illustrate, here is an example of a depressed person's train of thought in all it's glorious action.
No one has called me today, I wonder why that is.
What if all my friends actually hate me and don't want to hang out with me?
Even worse, what if none of them even thought of me while planning their evening?
Crap, either I am a jerk or so forgettable that no one cares if I am around or not.
I wonder if I should call someone to hang out.
Probably not, they either won't answer or come up with a reason not to hang out.
I suck.
It's probably good that no one is hanging out with me, I'd just drag them down.
i'm doing society a favor by not hanging out with people.
It's my own fault no one is calling me.
I am so selfish for thinking about myself.
Wow, I deserve to be unliked, look how selfish I am
Once again, I suck.
I wonder if everyone knows what a terrible person I am?
on and on like so.
The worst part about all of this is that, the entire time, you know how illogical you are being, but you cannot stop it, which only adds to the feeling of helplessness. Now, if you're wondering how to make things worse, I'll be more than happy to tell you.
Tell a person with depression to get over it. Will not make things better, will in fact make things worse.
Try to fix it. Will not only make things worse, but will also make them resent you.
Tell a person with depression that it's not a real disease. Will not only make things worse, but also shows your total misunderstanding of a medical problem. You wouldn't tell a cancer patient that cancer isn't real, and thus you should treat this the same way.
Tell a person with depression that they are using it as a excuse. This is my favorite piece of BS of all time, because it is not only ignorant, but frustrating as hell. No one, given a choice between the daily complications that come with depression and dealing with life in a "normal" way, would pick depression. It sucks knowing you feel a certain way or do a certain thing because of a mental illness, and most people who have been through it will tell you how much they would love to just be like everyone else.
Since being diangosed with anxiety/depression back in 2007, I've been on and off about talking to people about it. Truthfully, my greatest fear is that I will be labeled by it as unacceptable, and I think this is reasonable given the stigma of the disease. However, I want to be out of the closet about this, not only to help myself but to help others. This disease is a killer, just like any number of diseases that we have compassion about. It's even worse for males, because of the stigma against being emotional attached to being a man. In fact, research has shown that the stigma for male depression may be why men are four times more likely to commit suicide than women.
So I'm out. I have depression. You don't have to be afraid of me, or tiptoe around me, just be understanding. Sometimes I can be difficult, so please don't take it personally, just ask if this is a depression thing and I'll let you know. I'm one of the lucky ones when it comes to this disease. i've managed to stay pretty high functioning and have been able to at least cope without medication. I've managed to overcome a number of things that I never thought I'd overcome, and I'm proud of that fact. But our society has a lot to learn about this issue, and those of us who struggle with depression need to stop being ashamed of it. If anything, it can only help to start taking pride in continuing to wake up every morning and get out there. There are not many people who have been hit with this disease and managed to keep getting up off the mat, so we need to keep encouraging one another.
Peace. (That actually felt really good.)
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