Days 18 and 19 - Dreams, What ifs, and Now

As I did a few days ago, I'm going to hold the housekeeping to the end.

Yesterday was kind of a weird day. I used to work for this really wonderful organization, but it didn't work out. A lot of stuff happened, some of it in my control, some of it out of my control, but the long and short of it is that I left Birmingham in the Summer of 2009 sure I was following the grand plan God had set before me. I had my dream job, my dream girl, and I was certain I was where I needed to be. Fast forward to the fall, and my life was kind of falling apart. I was angry, depressed, confused, and mostly felt lost. It was kind of a dark time. There are a lot of details I'm leaving out, but the important thing to understand is that I was not the person I had convinced myself I was. My relationship with God was strained to the point of breaking.

It was one of the most important experiences of my life. I don't know if this is true of other people, but for me learning how low I could sink was important to understanding where I wanted to go. I've spent the last year and a half scratching and clawing to become more like the person I dreamed of being and less like the self-absorbed jerk I know I am capable of being (and everyone is capable of being). It's been a slow process, but I'm getting there. And that's why yesterday was weird.

I went to do some promo work for the aforementioned wonderful organization yesterday, and it was great. I remembered all the good things about the people there, and what it stood for. And I wondered, why didn't I get it back then. That's the danger of hindsight. We wish we had known what we know now back then, but we wouldn't have learned what we know now without turmoil. I learn more from failure than I do from success, and I'm gradually learning to accept that there is a blessing in our struggles if we can only see it.

I still dream of what might have been, but I'm learning to have new dreams, to expect the unexpected. Slowly. Very Slowly. But surely, I'm learning to trust that God is not an idiot, that He knows who I am, and what I can become.

On to housekeeping:

Running resumes Tueday.

I spent $20.72 yesterday (gas) and $5.50 today (food)

Finished editing that article for publication yesterday and today.