So yesterday we had an interesting conversation in Sunday School about judgment. While we ended up talking about whether or not it is "okay" to judge others, this was not the topic I found myself drawn towards. Instead, I was thinking about an earlier inquiry we as a class were making into why people do not pursue some of the more creative and bold ideas they have in their lives. My suggestion was that it was because other people, and especially those we are close to, provide a prohibitive function towards truly creative living through the judgments they make. It's just too mentally taxing for a person to try and live creatively without the knowledge that the people in their life are going to be providing unfaltering encouragement.
Perhaps the reason we are so amazed as a culture when someone does something unique is that it seems like they had to do it on their own. When someone lives in intentional poverty their entire life to demonstrate solidarity with the poor, we can't believe it and think they must be special, but the truth is it takes community, which is the antithesis of judgment.
I have never known anyone who has improved their lives, accomplished a goal, or really done anything that was the direct result of having judgment in their lives. Constructive criticism? Yes, but that is different. Having people who are not afraid to talk to you and let you know that what you are doing is not getting you where you want to go is different than judgment. We all lose when we judge, because we inevitably think of others as lesser than rather than seeing them as people of value just like ourselves.
We say that judgment is unavoidable. It's not entirely true. The feeling of disapproval is unavoidable, but there is a difference between thought and action. One of the great things about being human is that we have been gifted with he incredible tool of reason, and should be expected to use it less to prove how right we are and more as a partner to our own hearts. When we allow a feeling to control us without our brain checking in to tell us "is this necessary, is this loving, is this who I want to be" we usually lose out. We lose out because we don't take the time to step back and be intentional about our lives. I love the word intention, because it suggests I am not a slave to whims and whimsies, but can elect to take actions that will move me towards maturity and grace or not.
The problem is that this takes practice. It takes a lot of practice, and I am learning everyday. The last year has been the best teacher I've ever had in terms of showing just what I'm capable of for both good or ill, but I'm learning, and it is a source of comfort.
Here's the thing about judgment. It doesn't just hurt the person we judge, but it shuts us off and in turn hurts us too. To judge is to be certain, and that is something we can never be as humans. We like to be certain about everything. Money, jobs, relationships, our fantasy baseball team, anything. This however, is a fallacy. Just because we label something with a term of certainty doesn't mean it is set in stone, and we have to learn to live in that tension. We have to accept that that money, that dream job, that person, that bacon cheeseburger might not be there like we think it will. In the end, you control nothing outside yourself, and even that is a chore. Its tough to accept, but it is freeing. Knowing you can care about people without believing they should respond this way or that takes the pressure off. Knowing you can only do what you can do in one day makes a job ten times less stressful. Knowing you don't control the outcome of every college football game means you can be a fan without becoming a nut job.
Knowing that your judgment will not change the course of some one's life means you can become a friend instead of turner-away. Now, the hard part is actually doing it, and I'm a hypocrite just like everyone else here, but I'm trying my best.
"Put others' rights before your own feelings, and others' feelings before your own rights" - Coach John Robert Wooden.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Depression and the Art of Relationship Semi-Maintenance
This is the hard topic. The one I think about writing about all the time, but always have trouble with. Even for someone with a history of opening wide with my emotions, talking about love not easy. I'm a guy, for crying out loud. We want to screw and screw again. Women are something to be conquered, right? It's a game to be played, and if you do it just right, you'll get what you want. uhmm, no.
The other thing that's hard about talking about relationships is that you don't want to give away the dirty laundry of past loves'. So I'll try to talk sbout my relationship style, that of a guy who has struggled with depression, without actually talking about my relationships.
One of the longest running rivers along the landscape of my own experience with depression has been my history with the opposite sex. The hardest thing for me is feeling like I'm going never going to be a stereotypical guy. I'll never be an emotional island, quite the opposite in fact. I can be quite the girl in relationships, as I'm told, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing except it usually leaves the part of the masculine partner unfilled in the "ideal relationship," which of course does not exist.
Here's the problem kids. My greatest strength in relationship is directly tied to my absolute worst weakness. I don't feel things without feeling deeply, which can be really awesome for connecting on a powerful emotional level. I've had girls wanting to spend their whole lives with me after a couple of months, an admission usually followed up by "I'm so glad you're not like other guys." Unfortunately, we can fastforward to a place where that same statement changes to "Why can't you just be like other guys." You see, what the wonderful women I've been involved with fail to plan for is that for every way a person is not typical in a good way, there is usually an accompanying downside. The biggest problem in my relationships with women has always seemed to be this. Early on in a relationship, many of my partners have fallen rather hard for me at some point, which of course signals to me that it is safe to get attached now. At this juncture in a relationship I've probably abandoned logic to take one more shot at something crazy special, and it is amazing for a while. I've been that couple that made other people sick at the level of lovey-doveyness involved.
But here's where depression will get you. The first time you hit any rough patch, that old monster comes a calling to remind you that you probably don't deserve the person you're with, at which point you (I.E."I") start to panic. What if they figure out they're dating a guy with serious issues. Self-sabotage time. My weapon of choice in a relationship is jealousy. See, when you have esteem issues, you're always afraid your partner is going to trade up on you for a better model. The irony here is (and guys, you should take notes, because this is a sure fire technique for screwing up a relationship) that by being jealous of every guy/friend your lady friend spends time with or gives attention to, you can eventually ensure that they will in fact, start thinking about finding someone else.
Now this isn't to say I'm totally to blame for every relationship I've had that ended badly. After all, that would fall into the category of faulty depression logic (i.e. I am the cause of everything in my world, therefore I am both totally egocentric and awful at everything) To be sure, I've had plenty of help in blowing up what looked like a promising relationship.
But the very nature of this disease, and definitely in my case, is that you have a really hard time trusting yourself to be successful with people, and when you are, you tend to think it has nothing to do with you. On the flip side, when things go badly with other people, you tend to think it has everything to do with you. So you're left not trusting yourself with other people, and especially not in intimate relationships. You're sure you will find a way to mess things up, and it infects everything, including your trust for the other person.
Now all that said, I've made a lot of progress in this area, or at least I think I have. I guess I won't know until I'm in another relationship. But the point is that there is hope for the North American Depressive Male on the prowl. Just like in anything, you should play to your strengths, which center around your ability to connect deeply on an emotional level.
The thing I want to keep pointing out about depression is that, while it can be a difficult disease, it tends to come with a array of gifts. For everything thing depression has taken away, it's given something back. Do I have times when I lack any self esteem. Sure. But I get back an uncanny knack for empathizing with other people when they're hurting. Have I ever been that guy who thought he was the biggest loser in the world. Absolutely. But I've also never been the guy who thinks he's better than everyone else and treats everyone like shit.
Anyway, long post, but I keep getting subtle encouragement to keep sharing. The main point here is that relationships are weird critters to begin with, and depression brings a whole 'nother ball of wax into the mix. It's not a death sentence, but it is something that both partners have to be aware of, and as the depressed party, you owe it to yourself and your special someone to tell them what they're getting into whenever things get serious. The truth is that if it's right, you'll both be mature enough to work together through it, and if you're not, it ain't meant to be. Now if I can only remember that all the time....
Later Gators.
The other thing that's hard about talking about relationships is that you don't want to give away the dirty laundry of past loves'. So I'll try to talk sbout my relationship style, that of a guy who has struggled with depression, without actually talking about my relationships.
One of the longest running rivers along the landscape of my own experience with depression has been my history with the opposite sex. The hardest thing for me is feeling like I'm going never going to be a stereotypical guy. I'll never be an emotional island, quite the opposite in fact. I can be quite the girl in relationships, as I'm told, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing except it usually leaves the part of the masculine partner unfilled in the "ideal relationship," which of course does not exist.
Here's the problem kids. My greatest strength in relationship is directly tied to my absolute worst weakness. I don't feel things without feeling deeply, which can be really awesome for connecting on a powerful emotional level. I've had girls wanting to spend their whole lives with me after a couple of months, an admission usually followed up by "I'm so glad you're not like other guys." Unfortunately, we can fastforward to a place where that same statement changes to "Why can't you just be like other guys." You see, what the wonderful women I've been involved with fail to plan for is that for every way a person is not typical in a good way, there is usually an accompanying downside. The biggest problem in my relationships with women has always seemed to be this. Early on in a relationship, many of my partners have fallen rather hard for me at some point, which of course signals to me that it is safe to get attached now. At this juncture in a relationship I've probably abandoned logic to take one more shot at something crazy special, and it is amazing for a while. I've been that couple that made other people sick at the level of lovey-doveyness involved.
But here's where depression will get you. The first time you hit any rough patch, that old monster comes a calling to remind you that you probably don't deserve the person you're with, at which point you (I.E."I") start to panic. What if they figure out they're dating a guy with serious issues. Self-sabotage time. My weapon of choice in a relationship is jealousy. See, when you have esteem issues, you're always afraid your partner is going to trade up on you for a better model. The irony here is (and guys, you should take notes, because this is a sure fire technique for screwing up a relationship) that by being jealous of every guy/friend your lady friend spends time with or gives attention to, you can eventually ensure that they will in fact, start thinking about finding someone else.
Now this isn't to say I'm totally to blame for every relationship I've had that ended badly. After all, that would fall into the category of faulty depression logic (i.e. I am the cause of everything in my world, therefore I am both totally egocentric and awful at everything) To be sure, I've had plenty of help in blowing up what looked like a promising relationship.
But the very nature of this disease, and definitely in my case, is that you have a really hard time trusting yourself to be successful with people, and when you are, you tend to think it has nothing to do with you. On the flip side, when things go badly with other people, you tend to think it has everything to do with you. So you're left not trusting yourself with other people, and especially not in intimate relationships. You're sure you will find a way to mess things up, and it infects everything, including your trust for the other person.
Now all that said, I've made a lot of progress in this area, or at least I think I have. I guess I won't know until I'm in another relationship. But the point is that there is hope for the North American Depressive Male on the prowl. Just like in anything, you should play to your strengths, which center around your ability to connect deeply on an emotional level.
The thing I want to keep pointing out about depression is that, while it can be a difficult disease, it tends to come with a array of gifts. For everything thing depression has taken away, it's given something back. Do I have times when I lack any self esteem. Sure. But I get back an uncanny knack for empathizing with other people when they're hurting. Have I ever been that guy who thought he was the biggest loser in the world. Absolutely. But I've also never been the guy who thinks he's better than everyone else and treats everyone like shit.
Anyway, long post, but I keep getting subtle encouragement to keep sharing. The main point here is that relationships are weird critters to begin with, and depression brings a whole 'nother ball of wax into the mix. It's not a death sentence, but it is something that both partners have to be aware of, and as the depressed party, you owe it to yourself and your special someone to tell them what they're getting into whenever things get serious. The truth is that if it's right, you'll both be mature enough to work together through it, and if you're not, it ain't meant to be. Now if I can only remember that all the time....
Later Gators.
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