This is the hard topic. The one I think about writing about all the time, but always have trouble with. Even for someone with a history of opening wide with my emotions, talking about love not easy. I'm a guy, for crying out loud. We want to screw and screw again. Women are something to be conquered, right? It's a game to be played, and if you do it just right, you'll get what you want. uhmm, no.
The other thing that's hard about talking about relationships is that you don't want to give away the dirty laundry of past loves'. So I'll try to talk sbout my relationship style, that of a guy who has struggled with depression, without actually talking about my relationships.
One of the longest running rivers along the landscape of my own experience with depression has been my history with the opposite sex. The hardest thing for me is feeling like I'm going never going to be a stereotypical guy. I'll never be an emotional island, quite the opposite in fact. I can be quite the girl in relationships, as I'm told, which wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing except it usually leaves the part of the masculine partner unfilled in the "ideal relationship," which of course does not exist.
Here's the problem kids. My greatest strength in relationship is directly tied to my absolute worst weakness. I don't feel things without feeling deeply, which can be really awesome for connecting on a powerful emotional level. I've had girls wanting to spend their whole lives with me after a couple of months, an admission usually followed up by "I'm so glad you're not like other guys." Unfortunately, we can fastforward to a place where that same statement changes to "Why can't you just be like other guys." You see, what the wonderful women I've been involved with fail to plan for is that for every way a person is not typical in a good way, there is usually an accompanying downside. The biggest problem in my relationships with women has always seemed to be this. Early on in a relationship, many of my partners have fallen rather hard for me at some point, which of course signals to me that it is safe to get attached now. At this juncture in a relationship I've probably abandoned logic to take one more shot at something crazy special, and it is amazing for a while. I've been that couple that made other people sick at the level of lovey-doveyness involved.
But here's where depression will get you. The first time you hit any rough patch, that old monster comes a calling to remind you that you probably don't deserve the person you're with, at which point you (I.E."I") start to panic. What if they figure out they're dating a guy with serious issues. Self-sabotage time. My weapon of choice in a relationship is jealousy. See, when you have esteem issues, you're always afraid your partner is going to trade up on you for a better model. The irony here is (and guys, you should take notes, because this is a sure fire technique for screwing up a relationship) that by being jealous of every guy/friend your lady friend spends time with or gives attention to, you can eventually ensure that they will in fact, start thinking about finding someone else.
Now this isn't to say I'm totally to blame for every relationship I've had that ended badly. After all, that would fall into the category of faulty depression logic (i.e. I am the cause of everything in my world, therefore I am both totally egocentric and awful at everything) To be sure, I've had plenty of help in blowing up what looked like a promising relationship.
But the very nature of this disease, and definitely in my case, is that you have a really hard time trusting yourself to be successful with people, and when you are, you tend to think it has nothing to do with you. On the flip side, when things go badly with other people, you tend to think it has everything to do with you. So you're left not trusting yourself with other people, and especially not in intimate relationships. You're sure you will find a way to mess things up, and it infects everything, including your trust for the other person.
Now all that said, I've made a lot of progress in this area, or at least I think I have. I guess I won't know until I'm in another relationship. But the point is that there is hope for the North American Depressive Male on the prowl. Just like in anything, you should play to your strengths, which center around your ability to connect deeply on an emotional level.
The thing I want to keep pointing out about depression is that, while it can be a difficult disease, it tends to come with a array of gifts. For everything thing depression has taken away, it's given something back. Do I have times when I lack any self esteem. Sure. But I get back an uncanny knack for empathizing with other people when they're hurting. Have I ever been that guy who thought he was the biggest loser in the world. Absolutely. But I've also never been the guy who thinks he's better than everyone else and treats everyone like shit.
Anyway, long post, but I keep getting subtle encouragement to keep sharing. The main point here is that relationships are weird critters to begin with, and depression brings a whole 'nother ball of wax into the mix. It's not a death sentence, but it is something that both partners have to be aware of, and as the depressed party, you owe it to yourself and your special someone to tell them what they're getting into whenever things get serious. The truth is that if it's right, you'll both be mature enough to work together through it, and if you're not, it ain't meant to be. Now if I can only remember that all the time....
Later Gators.
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