Lent Review

I decided against reviewing my progress on each of my 'goals' for a couple of reasons. First, towards the end of Lent, making my goals started to feel like an obligation instead of something I wanted to do, and thus my Lenten reflection began to suffer and virtually disappear in the final weeks. Second, I think the vision gained in Lent is much more valuable than whatever thing we try to give up or take on. The point of Lent is to grow in our walk, not beat some benchmark. For the record, I felt pretty good about running and moderately good about spending, and I still plan on making progress in these two areas beyond Lent.

So what did I learn during my Lenten experiment? I could point towards a number of things, but the main thing that has sunk in is that I never realized how useless guilt is until the last few weeks. Whenever I fell short on one of my commitments, I felt guilty about it. When I spent too much, I felt guilty. When I ran less than I could, I felt guilty. How did I respond to the feeling of guilt? Did I change my behavior and use that feeling to improve myself? No. I tried to find a way to feel better, whether it was by indulging myself in a different way, or by beating myself to try and serve 'penance' for my trespasses against my commitments. Guilt proved to motivate only a desire to feel less guilty, not to do things differently or grow in a real, tangible way.

I recently read a blog where the author suggested that the words "ought to" are the most self-defeating two words in the English language, and suggested that "want to" were a far superior alternative. I tend to agree. If I ought to take better care of myself, or spend less, or anything really, I'm much less likely to actually make any progress than I am if I want to get that high that comes after a good run, or want to have money to spend on something I really want.

The heart wants what the heart wants, after all. If we try to trick ourselves by saying that we shouldn't be this way or that way, and that we "need" to do differently, things are unlikely to change. Trying to be someone you are not will only make you feel frustrated, inferior, and depressed, as I know quite well from the episodes of depression I have experienced in my life. Fighting who you are will not get you anywhere at all.

Does that mean that we should just do whatever we want, and damn the consequences? I don't think it does. I may be optimistic, but I think that, at least for most people, the heart wants to love and be loved above all else. How we go about that is up for debate, but I think most folks I know would agree that sharing in loving, healthy relationship with others is something that we deeply desire. So forgive the cliche, but it seems that it would be hard to go wrong when you follow your heart. Not instincts, not fleeting desires, but what you know, in the deepest part of yourself to be true, good, and lovely.

It's hard to live with guilt. It is easy, however, to make yourself feel guilty by creating false images of yourself that are unattainable. Part of trusting God, I think, is believing that you are here on purpose, that your core desires, your innermost hopes and identity, are good. Trying to be someone else will only make you miserable, but maybe, just maybe, the God who has created and is creating made us to be who we are to the fullest; to be unique, yet intertwined by the grace and love in which all our hopes our bound.

And so here is my prayer to close out Lent and start the next chapter in my life:

Living God, who has created, is creating, and will create,
Remind us that we are made in Your image,
That we may always walk in Your Grace,
Hope, and Love.

Help us see ourselves with Your eyes and not our own,
That we may come to live as Your children,
To love ourselves and one another as
You have loved us.

Surround us in Your presence,
And protect us from ourselves,
As we learn to trust in You.
Show us the way,
Amen.

40-43: Last Days

The last four days I have spent just shy of $70, $38 of which was for Pete Yorn tickets for tomorrow.

I haven't been running since Monday because my knee keeps acting up, but I'm going on Saturday assuming my knee is set to go.

Tomorrow is the last day for the Lent Blog, so expect a big summary either Friday night or Saturday. Overall I think I've done ok on two of my commitments, feel like I've made good effort with keeping a positive attitude and trying to be kinder, and just didn't follow through at all on the dissertation thing. I did set aside more time than usual for school everyday, which has been good, but this last week has been pretty brutal.

Thanks for bearing through with me.

Days 38-39: The Last Weekend

Had a good weekend, aside from some church conference issues I will probably discuss later this week. Sometimes people doing political things to keep up a certain appearance or manage opinions just gets ugly and shows how little we can care about actual people. That should NEVER happen in the church. Period.

I ran as detailed in my last post on Saturday. 2.5 miles running, .5 walking. Hills. Holy crap awful hills. But my calves feel worked.

Spend a total of $37.51 this weekend, 33.00 of which was on gas today. Sweet lord, gas is getting ridiculous.

Worked on school stuff a good bit today. This week consists of two papers, a presentation, and my normal graduate assistant work, and some stress. But then it's almost all over for the semester.

Days 35-37: Boring End, Boring Week

Money: $66 in the last three days, 20 of which was for a baseball game and concessions, another 22 on gas today. Gas is really getting expensive

Running: Got back to running on Thursday, knee feels better but I ran two miles and walked another just to be safe. I'll run 2.5 and walk .5 tomorrow.

Dissertation: Did some minor background work on neighborhood disadvantage and business practices. I've been inconsistent here, but it's been harder to work on this stuff everyday than I thought it would be

The other stuff: I think I've been doing pretty well with people lately. Saying yes to things a little more when I can, and I'm pretty happy with my friendship circle situation.

Good night.

Days 33-34: Cruise Control

This is a super busy week so I'll keep it short.

Spent $2.02 Monday, spent $7.00 today, for a total of $9.00 over the last four days.

My knee is not ready yet, so I'm taking it easy.

Busy busy busy with school.

Days 31-32: My KneeI

Did something to my knee Friday, so I'm not running again until Monday.

Haven't spent anything since going grocery shopping, although I've decided eating the same thing all the time is kind of bland. Next time around I'm going to diversify.

Got that article completely done and accepted Sunday night, so thank goodness that is over with. Now I just have to focus on all the crazy work I have coming down the pike this week.

Days 29-30: The Day I Went Shopping

Good news: I went running for 40 minutes today, which is a new best. It hurt ...a lot

Mediocre news: I had to edit that manuscript for publication...again. It's really my own fault for missing a couple of things the last time around, but hopefully everything is all good this time around and the things finally gets cleared.

The expensive news: I got gas and went grocery shopping yesterday. Final tally was $107.60 for the day. Which brings me to this weekend, which will be "no spending anything weekend." I'm going to try to make it through Tuesday without buying ANYTHING, which means I have to live off the groceries I got, plan meals properly, and be more vigilant than ever on spending.

Here's hoping.

Day 27-28: Just an update

Ran today - 30 minutes, partly up an down hills

Spent $22 in the last two days. Need to do a full calculation of how much I'm on pace to spend this month.

Worked on the journal article...again. It seems this editing thing pretty much never ends.

On that note...good night, I'm a sleepy Phil.

Day 26 - Cynicism is Bullsh!t

I think the title says it all. I've been super guilty of being a cynical person, but I'm understanding more and more that every cynical remark, every eye-rolling moment, every witty criticism of "society" does nothing at best, and proves that I like being better than everyone else more than doing something about problems at worst.

I heard Conan say on his last Tonight Show appearance that cynicism was useless. I loved it, but I was too arrogant to realize he was talking to people like me.... people who like writing about how sorry society is, how stupid everything is, how apathetic people are. But pointing out problems isn't enough. How we go about seeing the world and shining a light on the ugly parts is just as important as the pursuit of the "truth." Take the Invisible Children movement. These people witnessed unspeakable atrocity in Uganda, but it is concretely related to their love and community with people. People that have names, faces, and identities. They speak of the child soldier issue not as evidence that the world is stupid, but as something they are personally responsible for addressing.

The world is not about us, but each one of us is responsible to and for the world we see. We each have a hand in it, and at the very least, we have to take ownership of making a difference in the relationships we find ourselves with, both with individuals and with our community at large. It's difficult, and it takes a lot of effort. I have little to no room to speak, but I'm praying and meditating on how I can make a difference, and I think I'm seeing ways I can orient my gifts towards making a real difference for others. I hope that is the case, and I hope you will pray for me.

I need to make the issues I see a problem with personal. They need "skin." If I think poverty is a problem, I need to spend time amongst poverty. I get this, but I don't always GET this. I think about having the right position towards poverty issues without being involved directly in them. I don't have a personal stake in the issues I care about. I haven't hitched my hopes to those I supposedly care the most about. That needs to change, and once again, I hope you will pray for me.

It's not enough to be critical, to have the right opinion about something. You have to have a stake in the race. There has to be risk. Commitment. Faith. Love (and not the idea kind, but the verb kind.)

Stats:

Dissertation: considered, designed in my head, needs legs

Running: Ran yesterday, hah!

Money: spend 4.80 on breakfast...I'm getting pretty good.

Days 24-25 - A Weekend, a Thought

Yesterday I spent $4.04 (on breakfast), and today it was $21.08 (on gas and gatorade).

I ran/walked for 35 minutes with the Limbo crowd today, but it was so hot I didn't keep pace very well.

I haven't been very productive at all on the dissertation thing, but considering I may change the whole thing, taking the last week to mostly process has been good.

This weekend there were several occasions that centered around the same thing - Life is not about me. I've said this before, but it bears repeating. The weekly newsletter from our pastor reminded me of this, our discussion this morning in Limbo reminded me of this, and several little things reminded me of this.

I spend a lot of mental energy thinking about relationships, regardless of the fact that I haven't been in a serious relationship in over 20 months. I always seem to think that if I am not dating, or at least moving towards dating, something is wrong. If life is not about me, however, then what happens or doesn't happen in my dating life is not that important. Instead, this season of life presents an opportunity to step outside myself without worrying about a significant other, to be more fearless in the way I love people or pursue whatever it is God is calling me too.

I'm not sure whether I'm going to get married or be single the rest of my life. I'm realizing, however, that it doesn't really matter. This world doesn't revolve around me. I am part of it, and there are things laid in front of me to do, hopefully to make it a better place. But I am only a part of it, which is actually pretty relieving. I don't have to drive events, and in fact, it may be better that I don't. Instead, my job is simply to see what is in front of me and respond.

I wonder what would happen if we were more worried about loving the people in our lives than gaining other people's love. If we were more concerned with others' needs than our wants, would we live such stressful lives? Would we be as unhappy as a society as we seem to be? I don't know for sure, but I'm guessing not.

Day 22-23 - Short update

Money spent last two days - $13.22

Ran three miles - check

Worked extra on school stuff - Grade all the tests I had to grade the same day the students took them. Read ahead for theory. Checked into some fellowship stuff. I need to actually work on the dissertation proper next week, but this has been a hard one to keep up with properly.

I'm in the midst of trying to be more gracious and less snarky, and I think it's been going well...